Remarriage
Success Factors
We have identified twelve factors that can serve as a guideline for remarrying couples. If most of these factors have not been adequately addressed, the chances of remarriage survival are extremely low. These factors are more fully explained in our workbook, Looking Before You Leap...Again
1. Time. Adequate time has elapsed between a divorce or the death of a spouse and contemplating a remarriage. We suggest a minimum of two years.
2. Grieving. Losses incurred through death or divorce have been acknowledged and resolved.
3. Legal and financial issues from prior relationships are resolved.
4. Emotional issues from prior relationships or marriages have been resolved; if there are children, the individual is in a fairly healthy co-parenting relationship with his/her former spouse.
5. Children. The children’s emotional issues concerning divorce and remarriage have been adequately addressed.
6. Stepfamily awareness. There is recognition that a new stepfamily will be unique, not a remake of the nuclear family.
7. Children are able to embrace and be involved with their extended family.
8. Custody issues are resolved and in place.
9. Parenting time (visitation) runs smoothly.
10. Church. There is meaningful involvement in a church and a small group.
11. Spirituality. There is evidence of spiritual growth and the presence of an accountability partner.
12. Personal issues surrounding the divorce/death of spouse have been addressed.
Want to know if you are ready to remarry, take The Quiz.
What Remarrying Couples Need to Know
• Stepfamilies are normal. They have been around a long time. For example, our prefix "step" comes across a thousand years from the Middle English root "steop." William the Conqueror's subjects used that word to describe "orphaned" or "deprived" minor children and the families that cared for them. In those days, the majority of “step” children and families became so via death. Even further back, the Old Testament records many stepfamilies, such as the families Abraham, Jacob and David. These complicated families, however, were the result of multiple wives, but the dynamics were very similar.
• Stepfamilies differ in very concrete ways from traditional intact nuclear families. Stepfamilies are different, but not inferior.
• A new stepfamily is actually the combining of at least two intact “mini-families.” A mini-family is the single-parent family that came into existence due to a death or divorce. The most common mini-family is mom and her children. This group is generally very cohesive, with rules, traditions and rituals that have been hammered out over time to cope with the changes due to the loss of the original family. The significance of mini-families is that they do not “blend” well. Consequently, the beginning of a “new” family is marked by turbulence and conflict as these “families” attempt to combine.
• There are various roles to learn in a new stepfamily and no socially accepted norms for these new roles. Consequently, stepfamily members have to invent these roles and the rules that determine how to perform them. This is a laborious process and typically confusing, awkward, and at times frustrating for everyone.
• Stepcouples are more apt to differ widely in age, race, religion, ethnic ancestry, and educational level than typical first marriage couples Stepfamily wives are more likely to be older than their husbands.
• Stepchildren may feel sexually attracted to (or attracted by) a resident or visiting stepsibling, and/or a young or seductive stepparent, because the incest taboo is much weaker in stepfamilies than in nuclear families.
• Stepfamilies tend to be highly mobile. Changing primary residence happens often in typical stepfamilies. This can create waves of emotional, financial, structural, legal, and lifestyle changes that can take many months to stabilize. Limiting mobility is a key to healthy stepfamily adjustment and is particularly important for the children.
• Stepchildren typically receive less guidance from parents, teachers, relatives, than children from nuclear families.
• Many couples remarry without the idealized image of marriage they had when they married for the first time.
• Many remarrying partners have a better understanding of themselves and of what they expect of a marriage partner than when they married the first time.
• Partners prepared to cope with the difficulty of marrying again will invest more in making the marriage work.
• Remarried partners generally report a similar degree of marital satisfaction as those in first marriages.
• Partners in a second marriage are less likely to deny problems when they exist and may be more likely to anticipate them.
• Partners stay together in the first marriage for the sake of the children and get divorced in the second marriage because of the children.
• Stepfamily couples nearly always enter the marriage with unrealistic expectations, which makes them extremely vulnerable to discouragement when things don't work out the way they think they “should.”
• Stepfamily couples often operate with the false assumption that they have to be perfect and that it should come easily.
• Unrealistic expectations surface most often in relationships between children and stepparents. Stepparents want to be accepted as part of the family. Biological parents expect instant closeness between their children and their new spouse. These expectations are not only unrealistic, but dangerous. It takes one to two years before a child is ready to bond to a stepparent, and there are many factors that can affect that bond: the age of the child, personalities of the various adults and children, input from the former spouse, attitude of the biological parent, support or lack of support from extended family members, etc.
• Successful stepfamilies must address the concept of "divided loyalties." Remarrying couples must help their children understand that having positive feelings towards a new parent does not mean they love the original parent less or that they are being disloyal. It can be hard on any child to feel that they are betraying a parent when they start to enjoy the stepparent.
Emotional Wounds and Remarriage
While there are many ways these wounds manifest themselves, five are most common.
1. Shame: feeling flawed, defective, unlovable, or worthless
2. Fear: afraid of abandonment, failure or rejection
3. Trust: either having too much and being repeatedly betrayed and hurt; or too little and living in anxiety, suspicion and isolation
4. Denial: lack of awareness, minimizing issues
5. Alienation: Isolating oneself, feeling alone, difficulty bonding with others
Emotional wounds impair family’s ability to have successful relationships. Bonding with a stepchild, for example, can be difficult, ifnot impossible unless wounds are addressed and resolved. The struggles a family faces are caused by emotional wounds in each adult and child.
The realities of woundedness
Emotionally wounded adults pass their woundedness on to their children by modeling unhealthy ways of coping with life. Wounded parents have difficulty setting healthy boundaries or providing consistent discipline. Due to guilt or pain, they may be over-indulgent, or over-react in anger. They will often attempt to discredit and malign a former spouse to ease their own pain or because they need their children’s approval. Wounded parents give double-bind messages to their children. “I love you, now go away.” “I’m not angry.” (with clenched fist and red face). “Always tell the truth, but like to whomever is on the phone.” “Of course I’m interested in…” (as they leave the room or busy themselves). Incidentally, most adults deny they do this.
Wounded former spouses are unable to put the needs of their children above their own. Instead they use the children to strike out at each other or to get their own needs met. Deficient at effective communication or problem solving, they rely instead on arguing, pouting, threats, manipulation, coercion, overindulgence, anger or violence to win and control.
Wounded partners trigger one another and have difficulty tolerating the other’s flaws. Instead they make unreasonable demands or blame one another for any problems. They harm each other and yet are unaware of the impact of their behavior. Blind-spots are common in areas of woundedness.
Wounded stepparents have difficulty being patient and allowing their role to evolve. Their own pain and insecurity pushes them into control or power or isolation. They operate with unrealistic expectations of themselves, their spouse and their stepchildren, which inevitably create loyalty conflicts and power struggles.
Wounded children have difficulty bridging the gaps between their parents. They become sad and isolate or they act out and rebel. Either way, they have difficulty adjusting to a new stepfamily. The illustrations are endless.
What do emotional wounds look like?
• Invisible scars caused by harmful life events; most woundedness is out of awareness
• Adaptive forms of self-protection each individual develops to cope and survive
• Toxic events of life cause these defenses to develop
• The younger a person or more obtrusive the event, greater the need for defense and the more resistant to change
• Defenses become a person’s defining characteristics
• Wounds become life-guides; drive the choice of partners, careers, or friends
• Wounded people feel “stuck” in a revolving door of poor decisions, unwanted emotions and situations over which they feel they have no control
• The feelings are very powerful; the behavioral reactions are almost reflexive
• Examples include guilt, fear, shame, perfectionism, control and addictions
Five Myths about Wounds
• My life has to be organized around my wound experiences. It defines who I am.
• Without my wound, I'd be all alone. I need my wounds to get attention or be noticed or to be okay.
• My awful and painful life means that I am sick—and therefore, not responsible.
• All emotional problems are the result of traumatic experiences. To get better, I must uncover the root.
• Some awful, horribly damaging experience must be buried deep in my unconscious. If I don't know the cause for certain, I can't get better.
• I am a prisoner by my wounds. I can't change. My situation is hopeless. Why try if changing is impossible?
Where do emotional wounds originate?
• Dysfunctional, non-nurturing families
• Abuse—physical, sexual and/or emotional
• Prior unhealthy or unsuccessful relationships
• Childhood events
• Generational issues
The impact on families
Past events can impact people in several important ways. Some will have an “emotional blind-spot,” and be extremely self-protective and sensitive in their area of hurt. There will be a strong tendency to recreate past patterns of dysfunction in their current family. This tendency allows them to create a personal “comfort zone.” Many of the dysfunctional traits outlined above will manifest themselves in a new relationship, but with no awareness; dysfunction often feels normal. That is, the tendency to self-protect and create a comfort zone is unintentional and out of awareness. Finally, there will be emotional numbness. Abusive or dysfunctional environments can render family members oblivious to their impact. Aspects of a person’s past can be re-created to replicate “normalcy.” Emotional wounds seldom become evident until they create pain, particularly relationship pain. This process and how it affects families is outlined below.
Family members or partners:
• experience deep hurt, pain, fear or anger.
• blame someone else (seldom yourself) for their problems.
• are unable to separate out stepfamily and family issues.
• have difficulty keeping the needs of their children distinct from the needs of your marriage.
• send double-bind messages and shame their spouse, children or stepchildren and not be aware of it.
• malign former spouses, secretly hoping the children will side with them.
• seek to self-protect your fragile ego at the expense of others.
• become angry with their spouse for raising tough issues, blaming him or her for creating the problem.
• blame their stepchildren for difficulties they raise while adjusting to the stepfamily.
Denial and lack of awareness, plus the energy it takes to self-protect and deal with inner struggles can render stepcouples emotionally unavailable to their children or to one another. Wounded adults do not know their own, their spouse’s or their children’s deep emotional and spiritual needs nor do they know how to meet them.
Consequences of emotional and spiritual wounding
• Spiritual struggles are common
• Attracted to the wounds in another
• Woundedness passed on to children
• Difficulty responding to the needs of a partner
• Poor problem solving and decision making
• Pick partners that reflect aspects of their parents
• Lifetime of unmet needs
• Self-sabotaging core beliefs and expectations
• History of unhealthy relationships
• Self-absorption
• Isolation
• Seldom at peace
Suggestions to begin the healing process
1. Accept that you are wounded; acknowledge the possibility of denial.
2. Develop a loving and supportive community.
3. Ask those close to you to help you identify your area(s) of woundedness.
4. Improve the level of your self-care.
5. Strengthen your boundaries.
6. Acknowledge your woundedness to a trusted other.
7. Address your fear, guilt, shame or anger.
8. Allow yourself to grieve—take as much time as you need.
9. Work on forgiveness—start by forgiving yourself; forgiveness is a process.
10. Develop healthy relationship and parenting skills.
11. Work to resolve your past.
12. Strengthen your relationship with God—see yourself as a loved, redeemed, worthy child of God. God reminds us that His Spirit ministers to us in our weakness (Romans 8:26).
13. Join a life group or support group.
14. Seek the help of a pastor or counselor.
Finances
Next to stepparent/stepchild issues, finances are the most disputed area in a stepfamily. Most remarrying couples are sensitive about money issues because of the often-dramatic effects of death or divorce on income.
Can be a weapon
Money is often used as a weapon after a divorce and can be a wedge that drives stepfamilies apart. Financial issues drive conflicts between former spouses and between current and former spouses. A former wife may resent the lifestyle of the new wife. The new wife may resent the amount of money going to the former wife. A husband may feel the strain of maintaining two households and the pressure of being in the middle between his former and current wife. Unfortunately, most couples do not talk about finances before remarriage. If this is your case, start talking now. Get clear about resources, responsibilities and future plans. Be realistic about the limitations child and/or spousal support places on your family. Work through resentments about these payments. Develop a workable plan for the future.
In their excellent video series, Christian Stepfamilies: Bringing Pieces to Peace, Gordon and Carrie Taylor discuss the tangibles and intangibles of finances. The tangibles are the assets of the stepcouple; these correspond to the list above. The intangibles, trust, values and control are much less easily identified, and can potentially create far more conflict. Start identifying your intangibles, such as trust issues, fear, values, preferences, control issues or insecurities.
Examples might be: fear that your new spouse will over spend; a need to control the checkbook, a preference for saving a large potion of your income, concerns about how responsible your spouse will be or fear that there won’t be enough money. Remember, intangibles even if very subtle, always have a strong emotional component.
The following is a partial list of things you should know about and discuss:
• Savings and investments
• Indebtedness or back taxes
• Credit rating
• Life insurance; who is the beneficiary?
• Spousal maintenance. How much and how long?
• Child support (paid or received). Anticipated changes as children get older.
• College expenses
• Medical/dental expenses. How are they shared?
• Spending patterns
• Giving to the church
• Expenses (private schools, private lessons, higher education, etc.)
• Future goals (relocation, retirement, capital purchases, etc.)
• Wills (living trusts, etc.)
• Who will pay the household bills?
• Shared or separate checking accounts?
• Who makes the financial decisions?
Financial issues need not be a source of conflict. It is important to disclose all financial items, but also to determine that there is agreement concerning financial philosophies and practices. For example, is church giving an issue? Will one of you mind paying the other’s child support or spousal maintenance? Do both of you agree on wills, who pays for college, or retirement plans?
Are You Prepared for Remarriage?
Eighty percent of divorced or widowed individuals remarry. Forty-six percent of all marriages are a remarriage for one or both partners; 65% of remarriages involve children. Over thirteen hundred remarriages occur every day, yet the divorce rate for remarriage is over 60%. Remarriage divorces also occur much faster: after 10 years, 40% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages. These numbers suggest that adequate remarriage preparation is a necessity.
Conventional wisdom is wrong when it comes to remarriage—experience does not count. A prior marriage actually decreases the odds of a second marriage working. Cohabitation also contributes to a lack of remarriage success. The rate of remarriage failure appears counterintuitive. It seems obvious that people would be older and wiser and would have learned from the mistakes of the past—this is seldom true. Actually, most couples have not adequately processed their past relationships. The most significant consequence of this is that they unknowingly sabotage their new marriage, through unrealistic expectations, unresolved issues, and inadequate information.
The main cause of remarriage failure is that most couples are totally unprepared for the challenges of remarriage and stepfamily life—and do not know it.
Most couples truly believe they are ready for remarriage—history and statistics tell us otherwise. The stories remarrying couples tell are important. They speak of instant stress and conflict—which surprised and confused them. Biological parents speak of feeling caught in the middle between their new spouse and their children. Stepparents relate being ignored and disrespected, and feeling like outsiders. Children speak of too many confusing rule changes, difficulty relating to new people and feeling disconnected from their biological parents. Couples share their frustration of dealing with so many issues that they virtually had no time or energy for one another. These stories are typical of remarriage.
Remarriage “Red Flags”
The presence of these factors clearly reduces the chances of remarriage success. In fact, it would be ill-advised to proceed with a remarriage if even several of these “red flags” were present. Pay attention to the warning signs your couples discuss or display. Be willing to respectfully confront them when necessary.
• Denying or minimizing emotional or spiritual woundedness.
• Unstable job history or chronic financial problems.
• Denying or downplaying the value of remarriage preparation. Not seeing the need or value of working through issues.
• A history of failed or troubled relationships.
• Contemplating marriage too soon. Seriously discussing marriage less than one year after meeting or since a separation, death or divorce.
• Reluctance to discuss remarriage and stepfamily issues or read related materials.
• Unresolved issues with a former spouse, such as anger or rage, ambivalence, dependence or lack of closure.
• Ongoing legal action. Chronic hostility or conflict over financial arrangements, custody, or child support..
• Unwillingness to accept the ongoing involvement of a former spouse in the lives of children or stepchildren.
• Expecting instant change. Believing a partner, child, stepchild or former spouse will change unpleasant traits or behaviors after remarriage.
• Many major life changes or traumas in a short time (past 12 months) to the individual or his or her family.
• Addictions or self-defeating habits.
• Violence.
• Children “acting out.” Examples include serious academic or social problems, few or no friends, problems with the law, substance use or abuse, threats to run away or harm self, stealing, defiance, lying, repeated emotional outbursts and/or mood swings, depression or eating disorders.
• A history of break-ups or volatility in the current relationship.
• Avoiding certain topics or keeping major secrets.
• Emotional or sexual affairs.
• A persistent inner sense that something is wrong with the relationship.
• Denial or a tendency to minimize issues in the relationship.
• Lack of a committed faith; inability to articulate one’s faith; unwillingness to discuss spiritual things.
• Difficulty accepting a partner’s children.
REMARRIAGE PROGRAMS
Programs
*New Faces in the Frame by Dick Dunn. Workbook series: Twelve-lessons, leader’s guide included. LifeWay Press, 1997.
*Second Chances: Preparing for Remarriage in the 21st Century by Jeff and Judi Parziale. Ten-lesson program for those considering remarriage (includes a Couple's Guide and a comprehensive Leader’s Guide). Order by calling 1-888-5INSTEP or via website: www.instepministries.com.
*Preparing for Remarriage. Jeff and Judi Parziale Call 1-888-5INSTEP
Preparing Couples for Remarriage: a guide for Pastors. Jeff and Judi Parziale Call 1-888-5INSTEP
BOOKS
*Bobbi Coyle-Hennessey. Once More with Love: Awareness and Preparation for Remarriage.
*Ron Deal. The Smart Stepfamily.
Ginger Kolbaba, Surprised by Remarriage
* Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Second Marriage Before it Starts.
* Jeff & Judi Parziale. Looking Before You Leap…Again.
*Jeff and Judi Parziale. Through a Child’s Eyes.
Isolina Ricci. Mom's House, Dad's House: A Complete Guide for Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced, or Living Apart.
Judith Wallerstein & Sandra Blakeslee. Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade after Divorce.
DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE
*Guy Duty. Divorce and Remarriage.
*Wayne House. Divorce and Remarriage.
*David Instone-Brewer. Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible.
*Craig Keener. …And Marries Another.
*J. Carl Laney. The Divorce Myth.
*Sherman Nobles. God is a Divorcé Too.
* Jeff Parziale. Preparing Couples for Remarriage.
* Jeff Parziale, Divorce and Remarriage: Redemptive Theology.
* Ray Sutton. Second Chance.
* David Whitaker. Full Restoration.
Remarriage Resources
InStep provides several resources and programs to help prepare you for remarriage.Second Chances Remarriage Preparation
We offer comprehensive remarriage preparation through our Second Chances program. This includes up to ten sessions (more if needed) with you and your future spouse and the children. Sessions with former spouses or extended family could also be included and can be very valuable. The program includes a series of assessments, including Prepare©. This is the most compressive pre-remarriage program available. Commit now to prepare well for a marriage that won’t just survive, but thrive. Phone consultations are available.
Remarriage Mentoring
Mature couples who will walk with you and provide encouragement.
Looking Before You Leap…Again
This book is written specifically for those contemplating remarriage. It takes the reader on a journey beginning at post-divorce recovery and addresses every major remarriage issue. Healthy remarriages are built around people who are emotionally and spiritually healthy themselves. Unresolved issues and unrealistic expectations can sabotage a new marriage right from the start.
Through a Child’s Eyes
Children do not talk, they act; often they just isolate. This guide will help you spot anxiety or depression in your child; teach you nine things you (and your former spouse) should never do; give you precise language for talking to your child and offer concrete ways to know if your child is ready for you to remarry. A must read for every parent considering remarriage. .
The Stepfamily Journey
InStep’s stepfamily book contains key information about the unique challenges of stepfamily life. Interwoven with stories from the author’s (Jeff and Judi Parziale) stepfamily experiences, this is a must read for everyone in a stepfamily.
Preparing for Remarriage
This short workbook addresses key questions such as, What does a healthy remarriage look like? How do I determine if I am ready to remarry? How do I determine if my children are ready for remarriage? If they are not, how do I help them? What are key readiness factors? How do we resolve conflict? What are some of the critical “red flags?” Remarriage preparation is a developmental process. The first step is to have a clear image of what a healthy remarriage entails. This is a “hands-on” book that will help you develop an effective strategy for remarriage success.
Second Chances Small Group Study
This ten-week small group or Sunday school program examines the important topic of remarriage preparation. Most remarrying couples are under-prepared for the challenges of remarriage and stepfamily life. This resource can help. The Couples Workbook is practical and full of valuable information; it is designed to supplement InStep's remarriage book, Looking Before You Leap…Again. The Leader's Guide is very comprehensive and will equip the leader to effectively facilitate this class.
To find out more about our services or to order resources, call InStep toll free at 1-888-5INSTEP.
