Children of Divorce and Remarriage
The Scenario
Every year, one million American children will watch Mom or Dad remarry or cohabit. The majority of these remarriages will fail— often very quickly— forcing half-a-million children to deal with the breakup of a second marriage. In addition, 75% of cohabiting families will split up before the children reach the age of 16. (Popenoe and Whitehead, Should We Live Together?)
What do children want their parents to know?
- Divorce is intensely stressful.
- They feel left out, frightened and confused.
- They are afraid to ask important questions.
- They want to be reassured that things will be okay.
- They need to know how things affecting them will change.
- They act out their feelings instead to talking about them.
Few children are adequately prepared.
- Children are “blind-sided” by divorce; assume parents will work things out.
- Acute grief reaction to the loss of their family, particularly the loss of the absent parent.
- Receive little emotional or spiritual support from family, friends or the church.
- Reactions can last a long time; much longer than parents realize.
Children have difficulty bridging the gaps between their parents’ worlds.
- Grow up in two families, not one; difficult for adults to understand.
- Transitions are hard on children.
- Parents assume child will be happy, or at least unaffected by changes.
- Children struggle, even many years after the event.
- Average child has desire to return to the original family, worries about reduced time with both parents and has fears and uncertainties concerning the future.
Children of divorce experience dramatic emotional, spiritual and physiological changes.
- These changes make post-divorce adjustment difficult.
- Children
have difficulty o understanding and accepting why their parents divorced o moving
between households
- adjusting when a parent begins dating or remarried
- dealing with intense feelings
- dealing with changes over which they have no control
- Characteristic ways of coping include fear, anger and abandonment, and a sense of vulnerability and powerlessness as their family disintegrates.
- Little support in the community or the church for these children.
In Between Two Worlds, Elizabeth Marquardt reports that two-thirds of the children she interviewed who attended church on a regular basis said that no one from the clergy or congregation reached out to them during or after the divorce. The consequences are far-reaching: thirty-eight percent said, “God became the father or parent I never had.” Even fewer reported that they go to church or indicated they are religious and they are twice as likely to doubt the sincerity of their parent’s faith.
It Takes Time
- Children take at least a year longer to adjust to divorce than adults.
- With the time between divorce, dating and remarriage getting shorter, children have difficulty keeping up with the changes their parents are making.
- Long after remarriage, children may still be struggling with the prior divorce and the loss of a parent.
- Adolescents find it particularly difficult to adjust. One-third of boys and one-fourth of girls disengage from their stepfamilies, spending less and less time at home. Some adolescents leave the family altogether, either moving-in with the other parent or with a friend or relative.
Adjustment Issues
Children of divorce have difficulty bridging the gaps between their parents’ worlds. Most say they grew up in two families, not one. Divorce affects every area of a child’s life.
Consequences of divorce for children
- Death of intact family
- Loss of familiar home life
- Loss of self-esteem
- Loss of sense of well-being
- Loss of life style
- Loss of their stuff
Trust Issues
- Lack of trust
- Fear of abandonment
- Affects bonding issues
- Affects future relationship building
- Low self esteem
Grief Issues
- Overly anxious
- Unfocused anger or
- Displaced anger
- Extreme sadness
- Depression
Emotional issues
- Difficulty tolerating changes
- Unwillingness to be accountable
- Lack of connectedness
- More likely to suffer personality and conduct disorders
- Greater risk for health problems
- Don’t ever feel safe
- Continual feeling of confusion
- Become attached and hypervigilant about their “stuff”
Distorted Value System
- Poor school performance
- School dropout rate higher
- High delinquency rate
- Earlier sexual involvement
- High suicide rate
- High rate of substance abuse
Spirituality
According to Elizabeth Marquardt, many children reported, “God became the father or parent I never had.” Fewer go to church or say they are religious. They are twice as likely to doubt the sincerity of their parent’s faith. Two-thirds of those who attended a place of worship regularly reported that no one from the clergy or congregation reached out to them during that critical time in their lives. (Between Two Worlds)
Remarriage Issues
Parents remarry long before their children are ready to adjust to another change. Many children are still emotionally wounded when their parents remarry. They often have difficulty adjusting to a new family structure. Most remarrying couples assume incorrectly that their children will:
- be thrilled about the new marriage.
- adjust easily to changes.
- actually like their new stepparent.
- be like/loved by the stepparent.
- have grieved the losses.
Children have three common reactions to remarriage:
- Grief over the disruption of established family routines.
- Fear of an unknown future.
- Feeling out-of-control because their once-predictable world has been turned upside down
Most children do not want their parent to remarry—no matter what they may say. Children struggle with the losses and changes resulting from a death or divorce many years after the event.
Key Adjustment Issues
- Parents do not adequately prepare their children for remarriage.
- Children have more changes to make and experience more loss than anyone else in the family.
- Children take at least a year longer to adjust to divorce and remarriage.
- Long after a remarriage children may still be struggling with the prior divorce.
Helping Children Adjust to Parental Changes
- Children should be given concrete reasons why the marriage ended and why reconciliation will not occur.
- They need to be reassured that both parents love them and that they are in no way responsible for the divorce.
- Children need as little change and as much consistency as possible.
- They
need to know as many details as possible (and age appropriate concerning:
– where they will live and with whom
– when they will see each parent
– any other important facts that may affect them.
Children experience remarriage as multiple losses:
- the end of the marriage of their parents and the loss of one parent.
- the loss of the security of the single-parent home
- the loss of attention from their one remaining parent.
No matter how much in love the new couple is or how wonderful the stepparent, very few children will see the remarriage as anything but another loss over which they had no control.
Child Readiness Checklist
- Refuses to accept new adult as a stepparent
- Struggles with loyalty conflicts
- Acting out at school or home
- Strong emotional responses
- Radical behavior changes
- Depression/ mood swings/withdrawal
- Still grieving (sad, angry, ,sullen) the loss of the family
- Unclear about the divorce
- Hoarding food or other objects
- Sleep/eating issues (noticeable changes)
- Addictions/ self-destructive habits
- Failing grades
- Disobedient at home
- Vocally opposes the remarriage
- Identity issues
- Feels guilty/responsible for the divorce
If more than three of these factors are present, the child, and the couple, is probably not ready for remarriage. Please see a pastor or counselor.
Important note: do not let a child control the actions of adults. Children must never be given that much power or stress. However, if several of these factors are present, they should be addressed before a remarriage takes place.
If you have questions about your child, please contact us for a list of services and resources: 1-888-5INSTEP or instepmin@aol.com
See our latest workbook: Through a Child’s Eyes
