Stepping Up

Volume 2 Number 10

About InStep Ministries We are a 501c3 faith-based nonprofit organization dedicated to providing resources, support, counsel and encouragement to singles, single-parents and stepfamilies and those who minister to them. Our passion is equipping people for life. Our mission is to provide resources and services that are practical, Biblical, relevant and affordable. To learn more about InStep, visit our website: www.instepministries.com.

A Stepfamily Moment We recently received an email from a ministry friend in Oklahoma City. She wrote that the Today Show was looking for a stepfamily (with younger children) that has dealt with the issue of having different parenting styles. She suggested that we respond to the email request, so we did. We corresponded with Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D., CFLE at Auburn University, who was to provide research on stepfamilies to the Today Show producer. We submitted the following list of "lessons learned" based on our personal experience and research.

Dr. Adler-Baeder replied to us. "Well Judi, we couldn't be more in sync with our recommendations for stepfamilies!! Your "lessons learned" - so beautifully and clearly stated - match so many of the points we have deduced from research on stepfamilies that I just sent up to the Today Show producer! How wonderful that you have turned your experiences into resources for others!" Given Dr. Adler-Baeder's gracious response, we thought that you, our readers, might also benefit from this list of lessons.

1. Become knowledgeable about the stages of stepfamily formation, stepfamily myths, and challenges as soon as possible. This helps couples to recognize that they are not the only ones experiencing the chaos. Also, let them know that it takes 3-5 years for a stepfamily to bond, so there is no such thing as an "instant family."

2. The biological parent should discipline his/her own children. It takes young children about 3+ years to bond with a new stepparent. During that time, the role of the stepparent is simply to develop a relationship with the new stepchild. The stepparent can also assist his/her spouse by supporting and reinforcing the biological parent's rules.

3. We have a double-digit rule: kids over 10 may or may not bond with a new stepparent. Therefore, stepparents must be realistic about the type of relationship they expect to have with their new stepchildren.

4. The stepcouple must quickly learn to tolerate ambiguity-everything is ambiguous and uncertain in the first 3-5 years. The couple must also have good adaptive skills or make it a point to learn them.

5. We had to learn to balance the needs of our kids and the needs of our marriage (the couple bond). Obviously, the kids' needs come first, and you can get so busy putting out fires with the kids that you have no energy left for building a relationship with your spouse. So, we set a date night each week or so when we went out and had fun. We also made it a point not to talk about the kids or the problems at home. This was couple time.

6. We learned the importance of seeking counseling early-- it is so helpful to have a third party to assist you in resolving disputes over parenting styles or children issues.

7. A very important lesson we learned was 'different' does not mean 'wrong'. Although we had very different parenting styles, we both wanted the same things for our children. We often argued about whose method was right. Experience eventually taught us that there is more than one way to raise children who become responsible and loving adults. The key is to respect each parent's approach and to recognize that it is unfair to the children to demand that one parent's approach should change immediately after the remarriage occurs.

We continue to add to our list of lessons even now that our children are young adults.

Incidentally, Dr. Adler-Baeder is a leading researcher in family studies, and she is the author of the curriculum, Smart Steps for Adults and Children in Stepfamilies. Check out her website for additional resources at: www.aces.edu/users/adlerfm/.

A Singles Moment Blind Spots John 9 tells the story of Jesus healing a man blind from birth. In the end, Jesus tell that man that He came so that those who were blind could see and those who thought they could see would be exposed as being blind. The Pharisees were angry because Jesus healed the man on the Sabbath, a clear violation of the Law. The now seeing-man fabled reply was, I may not know much about the Law, but I know that I was blind all my life and now I can see. You see, the Pharisees were so caught up in keeping the Law that they missed the miraculous. We have blind spots too. Blind spots impact our ability to see things in ourselves, or others clearly. Blind spots are well-intentioned, but often misguided perspectives. They result in poor judgment and decision making and open us up; to great disappointment. Think you don't have any blind spots? Ask a close friend.

Single Parent Moment The Single Parent Family Ministry Conference (www.spfm.org) was uplifting and educational. While the conference highlights and excellent speakers are too numerous to mention in this newsletter, we do want to note a few excellent resources for single parents.

Linda Ranson Jacobs is a gifted teacher and the author of Divorce Care for Kids (DC4K), a great new resource to help your church minister to the child of divorce. Linda's workshop on The Incredible Brain and How It Works was both fascinating and informative. To read more about this topic, access articles by Linda at: www.dc4k.org/ParentZone. Linda is the Executive Director of DC4k with The Church Initiative, and she can be emailed at: Linda@dc4k.org.

If you are looking for a Bible-based course for children ages 7 to 12 whose parents are separated or divorced, you must consider Hearts on the Mend by Judy L. Carver. Judy experienced the divorce of her parents, and as a child she went through much of the pain, confusion, and anger that seems to naturally follow divorce. Out of her desire to disciple the children in her church who were struggling following divorce, Judy developed this course (highly recommended by Pastors of Single Parents). The Director Package includes a manual that contains the information and teaching materials you will need in order to implement and carry out the course to its completion. For more information about this curriculum, contact Judy by email: jcarver01@comcast.net.

Most single parents struggle with sticking to a budget and making the dollars stretch each month. If you struggle with any aspect of finances, you will want to check out resources by author and single parent, Brenda Armstrong. Brenda spent eight years on staff full-time at Crown Financial Ministries developing the single parent ministry. She co-authored several titles with Larry Burkett, including Making Ends Meet; Every Single Cent and The Financial Guide for the Single Parent. She also developed the Single Parent Ministry Training Seminar and recently authored The Single Mom's Workplace Survival Guide. Brenda is currently Director, Mercy Tree Ministries. You can read about her ministry and resources at: www.mercytree.org. She can be reached also by email at: bamercytree@bellsouth.net.

Healthy Relationships Seminar Dr. Parziale will be continuing his series, Developing Healthy Relationships. This series is sponsored by Equally Yoked Christian Singles, but is always open to the public.

TUCSON: Saturday, October 15th from 10 AM to 1 PM Address: 5515 E Grant #210-A, Tucson, AZ

PHOENIX: Saturday, October 29th and November 12th from 10 AM to 1 PM Address: 5125 N. 16th #C, Phoenix, AZ For more information, call InStep at 520-721-0800.

• Get Involved . Join the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). Website: www.amfmonline.com.
• Tucson: Friday Night Singles: Pantano Christian Church-10355 E. 29th. Street. Dr. Parziale speaks on the 1st and 3rd Fridays at 7 PM. Any single is welcome.
• Tucson: Friday Night Single Moms program, taught by Lynda Barnes, hosted by Pantano Christian Church-10355 E. 29th Street. Dinner: adults $3, kids free at 6 PM. Class begins at 7:00. Childcare provided from 6:30-9:30 PM. Call 520-298-5395.
• Tucson: Stepcouple Support Group: 1st and 3rd Tuesdays at 7 PM. Hosted by Ron and Jane Lowery, 6880 E. Hawthorne. For information call: 520-290-1094.
• Tucson: Celebrate Recovery: Tuesday nights at Casas Adobes Baptist Church and Fridays nights at Pantano Christian. Coming soon to Victory Assembly.
• Tucson: Single Parent Support Group Tuesday nights at 7 PM. Call Evelyn Wright: 878-1101.
• Tucson: Tucson Association of Evangelicals: join pastors and leaders for fellowship on October 13, 2005 at 11:30 AM, Christ Community Church, Paul Johnson, pastor; Stu Wilson, hosting. Address: 7801 E. Kenyon. For information call: 520-296-8501

Call 520-721-0800 or email us: info@instepministries.com for details and updates on InStep activities.

Call 1-888-5INSTEP to order resources.

If you enjoy this newsletter, please tell a friend. If you would like to start a support group or stepfamily ministry in your area, please contact us-we can help. InStep is a 501(c) (3) nonprofit ministry. Donations are tax-deductible and always welcome. Thank you for your support. Please keep us in your prayers.