Stepping Up

Volume 3 Number 11

Welcome to InStep’s monthly E-Newsletter! Each month we feature practical information for singles, single parents and stepfamilies to help you achieve healthy relationships. This E-newsletter also provides articles and resources to assist those of you who are developing or are involved in a non-traditional family ministry. Please feel free to contact us with feedback, questions or comments via our toll free phone at: 1-888-5INSTEP or email:info@instepministries.com.

Personal Communiqué
Jeff & Judi Parziale

Only one life and soon it will pass; only what's done for Christ will last

Halloween has passed and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Speaking of giving thanks, there are two important days in November that remind us to give thanks for the sacrifices of others: National Single Adult Day and Veterans Day.

Many churches today set aside the first Sunday in November to recognize and honor single adults for the contributions they have made to the church and its ministries. Single adults serve in every aspect of Church life. There are over 100 million singles in the US. 44% of all adults age 18 and older are single or single-again; 48 million adults are never married; the percentage of never-married men and women in their 20s and 30s has tripled along with a sharp decline in the marriage rate. Singles make a difference in our churches and communities. On November 5th, be sure to celebrate and affirm the singles you know.

This year Veterans Day is November 11th (observed Nov. 10th). According to the US Department of Veterans Affairs, more than 18 million veterans of American wars are living, including approximately:

• Fewer than 50 World War I veterans
• 3.5 million World War II veterans
• 3.2 million Korean conflict veterans
• 8.0 million Vietnam veterans
• 2.4 million Persian Gulf War veterans, including current conflicts
• An additional approximately 6 million peacetime (between wars) veterans.

Please let veterans and/or their families know that their sacrifice made in the name of freedom is remembered, respected, and deeply appreciated. Let this day also be a reminder to pray for the men and women in the US Armed Services and their families. Give thanks for freedom because Freedom isn't free.

Domestic Violence Project

We are happy to report that "SAFE HAVENS, Families of Faith 2006" was a wonderful success thanks to the collaborative support of our local faith communities, domestic violence service agencies, and program participants.

Much appreciation is extended to Pantano Christian Church for co-sponsoring the event and sharing their facility. Carl Mangold, M.Div., M.S.W., did an outstanding job of educating us with his thirty-years of experience counseling survivors of domestic violence and working with batterer intervention programs. The Water's Edge Band of Tucson Baptist Temple touched our hearts with their performance of "If We Are the Body" and Susan shared a testimony that brought tears to our eyes. We also deeply appreciate the support of the following agencies that generously sent representatives with loads of resources to staff our agency fair: The Brewster Center, Tucson Center for Women and Children, Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Pima County Victim Witness, Miracle Center, and Gospel Outreach Mission- Center for Women and Children. For those of you who didn't join us this year, we hope to see you in October 2007!

Note: Debbie Harsh-Kightlinger M.S.W., the director of our new Domestic Violence division, will be presenting to the staff of Pantano Christian Church on Wed. Nov. 1st. She is available for case consultations and training workshops for churches or faith-based organizations. Please contact her at 1-888-5INSTEP or InStepMin@aol.com.

A Stepfamily Moment
How To Succeed as a Stepfamily: Ten Success Principles

The truth is that the term spiritual life is simply a way of referring to one's life-every moment and facet of it-from God's perspective. Another way of saying it is this: God is not interested in your "spiritual life," God is just interested in your life. He intends to redeem it. (John Ortberg, The Life You've Always Wanted)

The critical success factor in a stepfamily is your spiritual walk as a couple. This walk can be represented by your view of God. Many have a distorted view of God because of past abuse, neglect, hurts or wounds. This view will skew your view of life, particularly stepfamily life. Only a view that sees God as the only true life-giver will create success. When we love out of our fullness in Christ, we can love and trust others who may not love toward us. Without trust, we can never truly receive love. What kind of God do you serve?

The God we serve will drive how we live out our relationships, including marriage and stepfamily life. We must draw our main value and identity from God, not our spouse, family or career.

Faith is not so much believing this or that about God, as it is hearing a voice that says, come unto me. We hear the voice and we start to go without really knowing what to believe about the voice or ourselves. And yet we go. Faith is standing in the darkness and a hand is there and we take it. In that moment of surrender, we stand in an open doorway to freedom from our seemingly irreparable past. (Frederich Buechner)

We'll continue looking at success factors next month.

A Personal Moment for Singles and Single Parents
Tough Questions, Part Two

In our last newsletter, we introduced the topic of dating again after a death or divorce. With success rates for remarriage at 40% or less, it seems prudent to be willing to ask yourself some tough questions before you begin the dating process. The two questions raised were, "Am I ready for a new relationship?" and "Where am I in the grieving process?" Incidentally, if you are interested in determining if you are ready for a relationship or for remarriage, you can take a simple, no obligation quiz on our website listed below.

This time we will tackle the question, "Are my children ready for me to begin dating again?"

Let's just get this on the table up front, most (the vast majority) of single parents begin dating and remarry long before their children are emotionally ready. Generally speaking, children take at least a year longer than their parents to recover from a death or divorce. This one-year gap is significant because the trend is to begin dating sooner after a death or divorce and to remarry after a relatively short dating period. Nearly half the time, dating couples choose to cohabitate before (or instead of) remarrying.

The impact of these trends is that the average child has not processed through or adjusted to the many changes or adequately grieved the many losses associated with death or divorce, and the subsequent cohabitation or remarriage of the parents. These children will act out, actively or passively, and create tension and conflict in a new relationship.

It's not that parents are insensitive to this phenomenon; it's just that they are often oblivious. The desire for adult companionship, the sting of loneliness and the need to re-prove one's value or desirability, for example, are strong drivers. Dating parents often assume the children will be as happy as they are. Children indeed want their parents to be happy. Unfortunately, many dating parents fall into the trap of the "suddenly disappearing parent syndrome" and unwittingly neglect their children during a very vulnerable time.

The solution is simple, but difficult-wait. Give your children a chance to move through the stages of grieving and to adjust to the many changes they have experienced; changes incidentally over which they have had "zero" control. Be sure your environment is stable before you begin dating and that your children behavior has stabilized. Be sure all legal issues are resolved and that visitation runs smoothly. When you are ready to date, do not introduce your children to every person, as they may have a tendency to bond. When you are ready to have them meet someone, give them plenty of warning. Don't "spring" things on them and be ready for plenty of questions. No matter what they say or how they act, few children in single parent families are ready to take on a new "parent" figure. For more information on resources for children of divorce, contact the InStep office. Next time we will tackle the tough question "Have I completely resolved my past?" Stay E-tuned for Part Three.

STORIES STILL NEEDED!

We are involved in a new project, and we need your help! If you have a stepfamily or single parent ministry that you have started or participate in, we want to learn from you about what worked and/or what did not work. Whether you have used others' or our resources, we are interested in hearing about your experience. Please email your stories or comments to InStepMin@aol.com and label the subject line as "ministry story". We look forward to hearing from you!

Upcoming Events

• Sunday, November 5th: National Single Adult Day
• Jeff has started a new series based on his book, Developing Healthy Relationships, presented at the Equally Yoked offices in Phoenix (November 4th,) and Tucson (November 18th). Call the InStep office for details.
• Tucson Seminar: The Impact of Divorce and Remarriage on Children. Emmanuel Baptist Church, January 13, 2007 from 9:00 -11:30am.
• Scottsdale, AZ: Love and Respect Seminar with Dr. Emerson Eggerich. Scottsdale Bible Church, Feb. 23-24, 2007. To register, call Debbie Linder at the Marriage and Counseling Ministry office at Scottsdale Bible Church, 480-824-7200 or 480-824-7238 direct to office.

Ministering to Today's Families

InStep's mission is to impact our culture for Christ by developing leaders and equipping local churches to effectively minister to the unique needs of today's singles and non-traditional families. To that end, we have developed a seminar series based on our latest workbook project, Thirsty People Sitting at Wells: Developing a Stepfamily Ministry in Your Local Church. The seminar provides hands-on training in key aspects of ministry development, including team building and training, assessing needs and developing goals. Let us help you develop a ministry focus that fits the passion and mission of your church. To order a workbook or get more information on our seminar, call us toll free at 1-888-5INSTEP.

Get Involved!

• Do something in your local community to reflect the presence of Jesus.
• Join the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). Get involved in a focus group.
• Mark your calendars. The 2007 AMFM National Conference will be held in Charlotte, North Carolina, June 5th-8th. Judi and I will be speaking and exhibiting. For information or to register for the conference, go to www.amfmonline.com.
• Tucson: Stepcouple Life Group meets the 1st and 3rd Fridays, 7:00pm, at Pantano Christian Church, Room ED 1. Food and childcare available. Hosted by Ron and Jayne Lowery. For information call: 520-290-1094. This group is open to anyone.
• Tucson: Tucson Association of Evangelicals meeting Thursday, November 9, 11:30 at Calvary Chapel East, Speedway and Camino Seco; Robert Furrow, Pastor. Gale Irwin of Shepherd's Quarter Ministry in California will be the featured speaker. Call 520-721-0800 for more information.
• Tucson: Single Parent Support Group at Casas Church; Tuesday nights at 7pm. For information, call Evelyn Wright: 520-878-1101.
• Tucson: We are forming two ministry teams and we need your participation! One team will develop a ministry for children and adolescents in step- and single parent families; the other will develop a ministry to single moms in our surrounding neighborhood. If you are interested in participating at any level, please call us at 520-721-0800.
• Prayer requests: for our family; for direction in terms of future projects; for the ministry teams we will be developing; for donations to help fund future projects; for our board of directors; that InStep would stay the course God has called us to
• Online Forum: Register at www.instepministries.com to participate in our new online forum! Topics include Stepfamilies, Single Adults, Single Parents, and more!

About InStep Ministries

We are a 501c3 faith-based nonprofit organization dedicated to serving singles, single parents and stepfamilies and those who minister to them. Our purpose is to influence our culture for Christ. Our passion is to equip people for life. Our vision is to see every single, single parent or stepfamily member connected to a faith community, where they can build authentic relationships, find healing and be equipped to serve. Our mission is to provide resources, counseling and other services that are practical, Biblical, and affordable. InStep is passionate about serving the local church and the millions of individuals in non-traditional families. To learn more about InStep, visit our website: www.Instepministries.com.

For details and updates on InStep activities,
call 520-721-0800 or send email to: Instepmin@aol.com

To order InStep resources, call 1-888-5INSTEP.

If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward this newsletter to a friend. If you would like to start a support group or stepfamily ministry in your area, please contact us-- we can help!

InStep is a 501(c) (3) nonprofit ministry. Donations are tax-deductible and always welcome. Thank you for your support. Please keep us in your prayers.