Stepping Up

Volume 3 Number 12

Welcome to InStep’s monthly E-Newsletter! Each month we feature practical information for singles, single parents and stepfamilies to help you achieve healthy relationships. This E-newsletter also provides articles and resources to assist those of you who are developing or are involved in a non-traditional family ministry. If this newsletter is helpful to you, please let us know. Contact us with feedback, questions or comments via our toll free phone at: 1-888-5INSTEP or email: InStepMin@aol.com.

Personal Communiqué
Jeff & Judi Parziale

Christmas Thoughts

Thanksgiving is over, and Christmas is but a few weeks away. Are you ready for Christmas? Are you oozing with Christmas spirit? (Some of are thinking – NOT!) If Christmas spirit could be acquired through a power drink like Red Bull, even Christians would line-up to purchase it. Why? Because in our culture, Christmas is about the extra activities that we are expected to fit-in to our over-committed, hectic lives, and we are to be happy about it! This outlook on Christmas makes it a burden rather than a blessing.

Before you trim the tree or head out to purchase Christmas gifts, here is a formula for holiday cheer. Christ is the gift that keeps on giving! He is there for you 365 / 24 / 7. The greatest gift ever given was God’s son. Christmas is therefore an opportunity to acknowledge all that we receive through Christ (e.g., love, forgiveness, freedom, power, and blessings everyday) AND to celebrate the most important relationship in any of our lives. When you focus on the Gift Giver, the holiday spirit always seems to find its way back into your heart.

FREE Seminar:
The Impact of Divorce and Remarriage on Children

Domestic Violence Project
Debbie Harsh-Kightlinger M.S.W.

Seasons Greetings!

My family and I enjoyed a peaceful and harmonious Thanksgiving last week, and I hope the same was true for your family as well. My husband, Mike, was baptized the Saturday before Thanksgiving and my youngest daughter, Gloria, is contemplating the plunge also, so our stepfamily has many things to be thankful for this holiday season!

As we look forward to Christmas, I am reminded of the peace and goodwill that the angels spoke of when they addressed the shepherds with the good news of Christ’s birth. While many of us will be celebrating the Prince of Peace, there are families who will be caught in the midst of the most dangerous season of the year. Yes, unfortunately, domestic violence and child abuse escalate during the holiday season.

If you become aware of a friend, family member(s), neighbor, or co-worker who experiences an escalation of rage or violence in their home this month, please encourage them to contact a local domestic violence service provider. A domestic violence counselor will help them create a safety plan for the holiday season. You can call the Domestic Violence 24-Hour National Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to receive helpful information and local referrals for your area. If you live in Tucson, you can reach me at InStep Ministries or by cell phone at 520-349-4036. Peace and Safety for your Celebration of Jesus!

Debbie Harsh-Kightlinger, MSW, is the Director of InStep’s new Domestic Violence division. She is available for case consultations and training workshops for churches or faith-based organizations. Please contact her at 1-888-5INSTEP or InStepMin@aol.com.

A Stepfamily Moment
How To Succeed as a Stepfamily: Ten Success Principles

Most adults in stepfamilies want the same things: to have supportive, nurturing relationships, and to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. It takes a great deal of time, adaptability, flexibility, patience, and open-mindedness to have a great stepfamily. More importantly, it takes commitment.

Commitment involves making choices that establish the relationship as a priority. Commitment involves treating others with respect and kindness. It calls us to deal with conflict in a positive, “win-win” fashion. Commitment beckons us to discover the sacred amidst the ordinariness of family life. Through it, we come to marvel at the mystery and the gift of the unique qualities of our partner and to celebrate and affirm the uniqueness of each individual family member—no matter how different they may seem.

In their journal article, Assessing Commitment in Personal Relationships, Scott Stanley and Howard Markman suggest two components to commitment: personal dedication and constraint. Personal dedication refers to how genuinely committed partners are to one another. Constraints are the things that tend to keep couples together. Constraints such as financial considerations, responsibilities for children, social pressure, and a lack of foreseeable alternatives make it hard to break up. Despite the negative connotation, constraints can have a positive function because they help prevent one or both partners from making drastic decisions that unravel investment during periods of intense unhappiness. However, the authors note that constraints don’t lead to happy marriages. They mostly put the brakes on impulsive, destabilizing behaviors. And, if someone is really unhappy for a long time, constraints can lead a sense of feeling trapped. Constraints are of particular importance in stepfamilies, primarily because of their relative absence. There are few structural reasons for unhappy stepcouples to stay married.

Personal dedication, on the other hand, refers to the interpersonal and essential commitment processes, particularly in commitment to the partner and the relationship. It has four important components: a desire for a future together, a sense of “us” or “we” (or being part of a team), a high sense of priority for the relationship, and more satisfaction with sacrificing for the other.

Stanley and Markman suggest two fundamental concepts that underlie commitment. The first is having a long-term view of marriage; this allows partners to weather the inevitable ups and downs in marital satisfaction. The second concept is making a choice to give up choices. This flies against our cultures’ mandate to always keep our options open.

This sense of commitment reminds us that the concept itself is buried deeply within the covenant love of God. Covenant conveys irrevocability: God will always love us and do right by His people, no matter how they behave. Parents love their children this way—it’s close to a universal norm.

Commitment in a stepfamily can waiver. There are few constraints. Few stepfamilies achieve the level of cohesiveness seen in nuclear families. Nonetheless, even without constraints, we can dedicate ourselves to our marriages and families; we can value and love those who may be different. We can still stand in amazement of what God can teach us and do through us when we allow Him. We can develop a servant’s heart that moves us toward others, even when we are in pain, and we can be in awe of the courage of the human spirit that longs for love and authentic relationship, and is willing to overcome incredible obstacles to find it.

Stanley, S.M., & Markman, H.J. (1992). Assessing Commitment in Personal Relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 54, 595-608.

A Personal Moment for Single Parents
Tough Questions, Part Three

We have been discussing the topic of dating following the death or divorce of a spouse. Last time we asked the question, “Are my children ready for me to begin dating again?” We discovered that adults tend to underestimate their children’s level of readiness or the impact a new relationship will have on them. This time we ask the tough question, “Have you really let go of your past?” The past can control us in so many ways including:

• Harboring fantasies about a return to a past relationship
• Dreaming of revenge • Closing ourselves off to others and to God
• Seething with bitterness and resentment
• Being consumed with guilt or shame
• Abusing and punishing ourselves with harmful habits or behaviors
• Acting out sexually to attempt to validate our worth
• Driving us, too soon, into less than healthy relationships

If our past issues are not resolved, we can be a victim to “poisonous needs” that may drive us to remarry too soon. Unhealthy reasons for remarrying too quickly include: “I can’t manage my kids anymore.” “I can’t support myself.” “I’ll show him/her.” “I need a partner to be complete.” or “I’m afraid to be alone.” While most of you reading this may not experience such needs, the reality is that nearly 80% of remarrying adults have not worked through their past issues; consequently, they bring a high degree of emotional woundedness into their new relationships.

Only after we have let go of issues surrounding past relationships are we truly free to develop healthy relationships. In order to develop healthy relationships, we must first work on being a healthy single. There are distinct advantages to resolving our past and getting healthy before we begin dating. Last time we discovered an important one—it helps our children. Additionally, it enables us to recognize incompatible partners and to naturally attract healthier individuals. We can stop trying to resolve old relationships in the current one, and we will be more articulate about what our relationship expectations and boundaries are (i.e., what we will and will not tolerate).

So, the million dollar question is, “How do I let go of my past? First, let’s clear up any misbeliefs. Letting go is not about pretending, needlessly taking the blame or denying pain. It is not about denying good times or developing a permanent dislike for the other person. It is an intentional process of not living in the past or allowing the past to define who you are.

Letting go is a process that starts with your relationship with God; allowing Him to partner with you as you let go of past anger and hurt. Next, you must take ownership of your baggage. As long as it remains “out there” and about someone else, it will control you. Then, you must allow yourself to feel all of your feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be. Facing your hurts and disappointments is the only way to release them. Below are a few other steps in the process.

Forgive yourself (and your former partner). Forgiveness is a gift; it frees us.

See the past as life lessons. The past can be our teacher or harsh critic; it can shame us or leave us with valuable lessons. The choice is yours.

Become accountable to someone. Allow someone you trust to give you feedback and support, and most importantly, to speak the truth to you in love.

Start taking great care of yourself. Learn how to identify and meet your own needs. There is a direct correlation between the quality of future relationships and your ability to recognize and meet your needs.

Develop strong boundaries. Learn how to say “no” and “yes.” Understand your limits. Work hard to respect the boundaries of others.

Create a healthier perspective on your past. If you get trapped in the past by trying to keep pain out of your future, you will forfeit the present. Do not plan your entire life. Trust God with your present, give your hurt and pain to Him. If you do not like your past, pick a healthier path and start a new one. Use your past as a landmark of where you have come—it is meant to hold great memories and greater lessons. Mountaintops are shaped by the valleys below. The glory of the journey is determined by the climb, not the height.

STORIES STILL NEEDED!

We are involved in a new project, and we need your help! If you have a stepfamily or single parent ministry that you have started or participate in, we want to learn from you about what worked and/or what did not work. Whether you have used others’ or our resources, we are interested in hearing about your experience. Please email your stories or comments to InStepMin@aol.com and label the subject line as “ministry story”. We look forward to hearing from you!

Upcoming Events

• Jeff has started a new series based on his book, Developing Healthy Relationships, presented at the Equally Yoked offices in Phoenix (Dec. 2nd ) and Tucson (January 20th). Call the InStep office for details.
• Tucson Seminar: The Impact of Divorce and Remarriage on Children. Emmanuel Baptist Church, January 13, 2007 from 9:00 -11:30 AM.
• • Scottsdale, AZ: Love and Respect Seminar with Dr. Emerson Eggerich. Scottsdale Bible Church, Feb. 23-24, 2007. To register, call Debbie Linder at the Marriage and Counseling Ministry office at Scottsdale Bible Church, 480-824-7200 or 480-824-7238 direct to office.

Ministering to Today's Families

InStep’s mission is to impact our culture for Christ by developing leaders and equipping local churches to effectively minister to the unique needs of today’s singles and non-traditional families. To that end, we have developed a seminar series based on our latest workbook project, Thirsty People Sitting at Wells: Developing a Stepfamily Ministry in Your Local Church. The seminar provides hands-on training in key aspects of ministry development, including team building and training, assessing needs and developing goals. Let us help you develop a ministry focus that fits the passion and mission of your church. To order a workbook or get more information on our seminar, call us toll free at 1-888-5INSTEP.

Get Involved!

• Do something in your local community to reflect the presence of Jesus.
• Join the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). Get involved in a focus group.
• Mark your calendars. The 2007 AMFM National Conference will be held in Charlotte, North Carolina, June 5th -8th. Judi and I will be speaking and exhibiting. For information or to register for the conference, go to www.amfmonline.com.
• Tucson: December 15th at 6:30PM: Stepcouple Life Group Christmas Party. This life group usually meets on the 1st and 3rd Fridays, 7:00 PM, at Pantano Christian Church, Room ED 1. Food and childcare available. Hosted by Ron and Jayne Lowery. For information call: 520-290-1094. This group is open to anyone.
• Tucson: Tucson Association of Evangelicals meeting Thursday, January 11, 2007 at 11:30; Catalina Foothills Church, Mark Rosselor, Pastor. Jeff will be speaking on the topic, “Today’s Families.” Call 520-721-0800 for more details.
• Tucson: Single Parent Support Group at Casas Adobes Church; Tuesday nights at 7PM. For information, call Evelyn Wright: 520-878-1101.
• Tucson: We are forming two ministry teams and we need your participation! One team will develop a ministry for children and adolescents in step- and single parent families; the other will develop a ministry to single moms in our surrounding neighborhood. If you are interested in participating at any level, please call us at 520-721-0800.
• Prayer requests: For our family members; direction in terms of future projects; for the ministry teams we will be developing; donations to help fund future projects; our Board of Directors; and that InStep would stay the course God has called us to.
• Online Forum: Register at www.instepministries.com to participate in our new online forum! Topics include Stepfamilies, Single Adults, Single Parents, and more!

About InStep Ministries

We are a 501c3 faith-based nonprofit organization dedicated to serving singles, single parents and stepfamilies and those who minister to them. Our purpose is to influence our culture for Christ. Our passion is to equip people for life. Our vision is to see every single, single parent or stepfamily member connected to a faith community, where they can build authentic relationships, find healing and be equipped to serve. Our mission is to provide resources, counseling and other services that are practical, Biblical, and affordable. InStep is passionate about serving the local church and the millions of individuals in non-traditional families. To learn more about InStep, visit our website: www.Instepministries.com.

For details and updates on InStep activities,
call 520-721-0800 or send email to: Instepmin@aol.com

To order InStep resources, call 1-888-5INSTEP.

If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward this newsletter to a friend. If you would like to start a support group or stepfamily ministry in your area, please contact us-- we can help!

InStep is a 501(c) (3) nonprofit ministry. Donations are tax-deductible and always welcome. Thank you for your support. Please keep us in your prayers.