Resources for Pastors
How Can InStep Help?
There are hundreds of divorced singles and stepfamilies in your congregation and neighboring community. The unique needs and challenges of this population are important but difficult to track. InStep can help you effectively minister to these individuals and families. We have the knowledge, experience and resources to assist you. We can meet with you and your staff, design and/or present retreats, Sunday School classes, seminars and workshops and even train your leaders.
Below are a few of the services and resources we currently offer.
Training
• Training for couples that wish to become class or support group leaders.
• Materials and resources for ongoing stepfamily support groups.
• Workshops tailored to meet your needs.
• Links with other organizations that support remarriage and can help expand your efforts into the larger community.
• Certification (through AMFM) in Single-Parent and Stepfamily Ministry.
Consultation with Pastors
InStep offers free consultations; call toll free 1-888-5INSTEP. .
Stepcouple Intensives
Intensives are opportunities to intentionally focus on key issues stepcouples face, including intimacy, communication, conflict resolution and parenting.
The typical format is Friday evening and all-day Saturday and limited to six couples per weekend. Intensives are designed to strengthen stepcouple relationships.
Seminars on Relevant Remarriage and Stepfamily Topics
InStep designs seminars to meet the specific needs of your congregation.
Connection with other Stepfamily Ministries
There are several fine stepfamily ministries across the country-- some may be near you. We would be happy to connect you to a ministry that is closer to you or that could more adequately meet you needs.
InStep Books
New book!! Thirsty People Sitting at Wells: Developing a Stepfamily Ministry In Your Local Church.
Why a book about stepfamily ministry? One-half of Americans alive today are or will be in a stepfamily. According to Census 2000, less than 25% of families are nuclear families. Non-traditional families, such as single-parent families and stepfamilies have become the new norm. How will you respond to the growing number of single parents and stepfamilies in your congregation and community? How will the church respond to this growing mission field? Thirsty People Sitting at Wells has some answers. To order your copy, call instep toll free at 1-888-5INSTEP
Ministering to Today’s Stepfamilies
This is the companion volume to Thirsty People Sitting at Wells and designed with the busy pastor in mind. An overview of stepfamilies is provided; including sections on what stepfamilies are looking for from the church and how to counsel stepfamilies.
New!! Preparing Couples for Remarriage: A Guide for Pastors
Is the couple asking you to perform their wedding ready for remarriage? Are their children? This resource provides the tools to answer this and other important questions. Handout for the couple and a ten-session counseling protocol is included.
New!! Preparing for Remarriage: Couples workbook.
This resource is for the couples you are counseling. It is filled with important information for the remarrying couple and can be used alone, or in conjunction with our remarriage book, Looking Before You Leap…Again.
Divorce and Remarriage: Practical Theology.
“How do I deal with the divorced couple asking to remarry? A short, readable discussion of the key theological issues surrounding this very important topic. Designed for pastors who are working through ministry questions concerning the divorced and remarrieds in their congregations and communities.
Today’s Family Culture
A paradigm shift has occurred.
The face of the family has changed dramatically in the last 30 years. According to the 2000 United States census, less than 25% of our current population lives in traditional nuclear families. Today’s family exists in all shapes and sizes – forging a new normal. These family groups include single adults, stepfamilies, single-parent families, multi-generational families, unmarried families, same-sex marriage families, and grandparents raising grandchildren.
The changing American family represents a tremendous challenge and opportunity for the Church. The main challenge is that it must rethink “ministry” to include the needs of these varied non-traditional family groups. A family ministry model that uses the traditional nuclear family as the norm may not effectively address the needs of the adults and children in these families. As new ministry models evolve, the Church will have the opportunity to help people heal emotionally and spiritually and find a place in the faith-families of their churches.
What do we know about these families?
• Since 1980 single mothers have increased 42%, single fathers have increased 99%; people living alone have increased 36%; married-couple households 9%; result: less than 25% nuclear families.
• Since 1980, 40% increase in three generation households
• Grandparents raising grandkids has skyrocketed.
• 100 million single adults
• 25 million children are growing up without fathers
• 40% of women who give birth to their first child will not be married
• Half all Americans alive today have been, are now, or eventually will be in one or more stepfamily situations during their lives. One-third of children alive today will be in a stepfamily environment.
• Divorce rate hovers at 43% for first marriages; remarriage near 60%, higher if both have children. (U.S. Census Bureau)
• 50% of marriages each year are remarriage, most with children; most remarriages not in churches. .
Nearly 70% of children are living in non-traditional families:
• 23.3% living with biological mother (Stepfamily Association)
• 4.4% living with biological father (Stepfamily Association)
• 1% Foster Families (U.S. Census Bureau)
• 3.7% living with non-relatives (U.S. Census Bureau)
• 6.3% living with grandparents (AARP - U.S. Census Bureau)
• 30% living in Stepfamilies ** (Stepfamily Association)
Key trends
1. A growing percentage of women today are not having any children. A decline of 50% since 1970. Child rearing is no longer the defining experience of adult life
2. Good news and bad news on the marriage front. Good news: for the college-educated minority, marriage is stronger; Bad news: marriage rates are weaker/divorce rates higher for everyone else. The marriage gap is generating a society of greater inequality.
3. For the first time, married couples, with our without children, have become the minority. 49% down from 52% in 2000. We are less likely to marry, and the marriage rate continues to decline; nearly 50% since 1970. The median age at first marriage went from 20 for females and 23 for males in 1960 to about 26 and 27. Factors: the growth of unmarried cohabitation; small decrease in remarriage after divorce; some increase in lifelong singlehood.
4. Decline in marriage does not mean that people are giving up on living together with a sexual partner. On the contrary, with the incidence of unmarried cohabitation increasing rapidly, marriage is giving ground to unwed unions. Most people now live together before they marry for the first time. An even higher percentage of those divorced who subsequently remarry live together first. And a growing number of persons, both young and old, are living together with no plans for eventual marriage.
5. Of those who do marry, there has been a moderate drop since the 1970s in the percentage of couples who consider their marriages to be "very happy," but in the past decade this trend has swung in a positive direction.
FRAGILE FAMILIES PROJECT (2006) WITH CHILDREN
1. The percentage of children who grow up in fragile—typically fatherless—families has grown enormously (nearly 300%) over the past four decades. Factors: increases in divorce, out-of-wedlock births, and unmarried cohabitation. The trend toward fragile families leveled off in the late 1990s, but showing a slight increase.
2. Based on current trends, there are predictions that upwards of 70% of children born since 1980 will spend some time living in a SP home before 18.
3. The trend toward single-parent families is probably the most important of the recent family trends that have affected children and adolescents; because children in such families have negative life outcomes at 2-3 times the rate of children in married, two-parent families. In 1960= 9% of children lived in single-parent homes; now near 30%. The majority (82%) of single-parent families are mother-only.
The dramatic shift in family structure indicated by these measures has been generated mainly by three trends: divorce, unmarried births, and unmarried cohabitation.
a) Divorce: increased rapidly during the 1960s; leveled 1980s; 50%.
b) Unwed births: Since 1960, %age of babies born to unwed mothers has increased more than 700%
c) Cohabitation: 1,000% increase in cohabiting couples with children. 40% of all kids will live in a cohabiting household; Over 40% of unmarried-couple households included one or more children. 70% of kids in unmarried-couple households are the children of only one partner; almost ½ of SF’s have bio parent and unrelated cohabiting partner.
4. Children who grow up with cohabiting couples tend to have worse life outcomes; reasons: cohabiting couples have a much higher breakup rate; lower household income, higher level of child abuse and DV. The proportion of cohabiting mothers who eventually marry the fathers of their children is declining.
5. The desire of teens for “good marriage and family life” has increased slightly over past 30 years; Boys 10% lower; more pessimistic about the possibility of a long-term marriage. Today’s teens are more accepting of lifestyles alternative to marriage, especially unwed childbearing, although the latest data show a surprising drop in acceptance of premarital cohabitation.
6. 10% of kids from intact homes had serious behavioral problems, 30% from divorced homes (Hetherington, 1993).
7. When one partner is a child of divorce, the chances of a couple divorcing double. Both partners are children of divorce, chances of divorcing triple. Factors: parental modeling, lower educational attainment, lowered stigma about divorce, and lower age at marriage.
8. 70% of children from divorced families see divorce as an acceptable solution to an unhappy marriage, even when children are present, compared to 40% of children of from intact families (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002).
Ministry to Stepfamilies
Ministry to today’s non-traditional families must be incarnational at its core—meeting people where they are, at the point of their need.
These families are unique. They are totally unlike nuclear families in structure and challenges; and yet, they are the fastest growing family forms in the U.S. Given the complexity of non-traditional families, it is not surprising that many churches sidestep dealing with them altogether. Consequently, many of these families feel subtly ignored or even marginalized. Few churches have programs, groups or classes for single parents or remarried couples. Family ministries often overlook these groups. In fact, the terms “family ministry” or “family church” can be discouraging sounds to stepfamilies and single parents because they know this does not (and never will) describe them.
Effective ministry to these new families requires that their needs, circumstances, and unique challenges and perspectives be understood. New ministry paradigms must be developed, as personal and theological barriers and biases are identified and confronted.
Life-giving and life-enhancing community—this is the legacy of the church. A family of families, serving by strengthening families and assisting them in the faith formation of their children and walking with couples as they discover and re-discover covenant marriage. The church in today’s culture can provide forgiveness for those who sin and healing for those who have been broken by life circumstances. As couples and families find wholeness through forgiveness and restoration, it can affirm those who have experienced divorce and wish to remarry. It is essential that the church deliberately and intentionally walk with people in their journey through the process of remarriage and stepfamily formation. These individuals will seek assistance elsewhere if help does not come from within their faith communities.
Unique issues and challenges
Stepfamilies are relative newcomers to the social and religious scene, and yet they are as old as Abraham or David, both of whom were the head of large stepfamily systems. Ministering to stepfamilies may well be one of the greatest challenges facing the 21st century church. The relational and spiritual issues of stepfamily members are opportunities for the church to touch people’s lives with the power of the Gospel. Unfortunately, the church is far behind in its understanding of stepfamily life and has been slow to offer assistance. Stepfamilies and single-parent families are unique; they are almost totally unlike nuclear families. They are also the fastest growing family forms.
The stepfamily narrative
The reality is that stepfamilies will not go away. They have a story to tell. They want pastors to know that they are real families who desire to be welcomed into the community of faith. How many stepfamilies attend your church? How will you minister to these families? A clear message of the resurrection is one of hope. It reveals a God who breaks through the wreckage of life and makes the ugly and brutal beautiful. We invite you to join us in a dialogue about ministering to some incredible and courageous people. Clearly, stepfamilies may stretch your theology. If the church is to effectively minister to this fast growing population, answers must be found to questions like the ones below.
• How do we speak the redemptive process into the stepfamily experience?
• What can we learn from the stepfamily experience?
• How do we develop new ministry models that are not based on the traditional nuclear family?
• How does the stepfamily experience speak to us? Is it wholly “other” or does it have a place in the body other than as those who need help?
• How do we come to understand that stepfamilies are different from, but not inferior to, nuclear families?
• Can a “family friendly” church still effectively minister to singles and step-families?
• How do we hold the standard of covenant marriage and still embrace and welcome stepfamilies?
• How does the fact that stepfamilies outnumber all other family forms impact your ministry?
• Why do most remarriages not occur in churches? What can we do to change this?
• What can stepfamilies teach us?
Solutions
The unique needs and challenges of this growing population are important for pastors to track. The question is, “How do I find the time to learn new paradigms for ministering to unique populations and are there any reliable resources? InStep Ministries has an answer. We are part of a network that connects every major stepfamily ministry in the US. InStep has resources that can provide you and your staff and your congregation with practical, Biblically-based programs, counseling and information.
We believe it is critical for pastors to understand the complexities and unique challenges of stepfamily life because the families in your congregation will need your assistance in dispelling the myths and misbeliefs surrounding divorce and remarriage.
Our hope is that, armed with solid information about stepfamilies, you will provide good counsel and healing to the stepfamilies in your congregation. This wonderful group of courageous, but often broken and overwhelmed individuals will look to you for direction and Godly counsel.
Ministry directives
1. Become incarnational-- meeting people where they are, at the point of their need. If the family is the crucible of faith-formation, we must do all we can to strengthen and nurture families in whatever form we find them.
2. Adopt a bilingual theology--that holds HIGH God’s standard of marriage and family but also provides a loving spiritual hospital for those who do not meet that standard.
3. See families from God’s perspective—who they are, and who they are becoming, rather than where they have been or who we think they should be.
4. Create a culture of openness in our churches that embraces non-traditional families and folds their stories into the ongoing story of the redeemed. In such environments of grace and trust, subjects such as divorce and remarriage can be discussed safely, openly and honestly.
5. Focus on building authentic, “family-like” relationships in our churches (faith families) and integrate these families into the life of the community of faith; equipping them to be the presence of Christ in their families, communities and culture. We must come to “know” families, not just know about them.
6. Challenge the mindset that the only legitimate family paradigm is the nuclear family. Develop an image of single parents or stepfamilies that embraces them as part of the body. Jesus made it clear that family is bigger than biology, and it is important that we live out this concept.
7. Embrace the heart of people’s needs and circumstances. Individuals carry a sense of vulnerability with the hopes and dreams they bring into relationships. Unresolved issues and previous life experiences have the potential to affect the intimacy, openness, and communication necessary to thrive in the community of faith.
8. Come alongside families that are struggling with real solutions and supportive communities. Learn to live in the vital tension as you hold high God’s word, yet offer comfort to those who struggle. Non-traditional homes face stresses and strains that we never dreamed of a generation ago. In fact, the stress and trauma experienced in the first two years of stepfamily life is roughly similar to experiencing a death. The availability of compassionate ministry during a difficult time can make a life-changing difference for many families. Counseling, mentoring, and support groups can provide lifelines to a family in crisis.
9. Get involved in community and marriage initiatives that focus on collaboration. We cannot depend on the government or on one church or denomination.
Remarriage Issues
According to the Stepfamily Association of America, remarriages account for nearly half of the 2.3 million marriages each year in the United States, and nearly 65 percent of those include children. Remarriage is an incredible event. The union of people who have experienced the tragedy of death or the disappointment of divorce is truly inspirational. Combining two family systems is an adventure with many challenges. The reality, however, is that the average remarrying couple is spiritually, vocationally, emotionally, relationally and socially unprepared for marriage.
Why are most remarrying couples unprepared?
The short answer is unrealistic expectations and unresolved issues. Many couples want to re-create the nuclear family—because they believe that is what they “should” be doing. However, stepfamilies and nuclear families have very little in common. New families do not really “blend” and there is no such thing as “instant” love or family. Some couples have so many wounds from childhood or previous relationships that they sabotage their new marriage. Emotional and spiritual wounds are invisible scars that become a filter for future relationships. Woundedness makes bonding to a new group of people very difficult. The first two years after a remarriage are extremely turbulent as the new couple (and a host of children and other relatives) sort out new rules and roles. Children are seldom ready for remarriage. Most are still trying to sort out the traumatic events of the past. In short, remarriage is challenging and most couples are not only unaware of these challenges, but they have no tools to cope with them.
What are the Characteristics of a Prepared Couple?
• Functioning (for some time) as healthy singles
• Realistic expectations
• Rooted in Christ
• Understand that step-relationships must be developed gradually and patiently.
• Able to communicate and resolve conflict in a healthy fashion
• Strong support system
• Losses adequately grieved
• Strong couple bond
• Children (either or both) are functioning well
• Cooperative with adults in other households
• Brokenness, repentance and forgiveness
• An appreciation of the differences between remarriage and first-time marriage
• Awareness of the impact of the pending marriage on their children
Remarriage Red Flags
Below is a short list of circumstances that clearly suggest caution. If more two or more of these are present; the couple you are working with is not ready to remarry.
• Denying emotional/spiritual woundedness
• Persistent doubts, worries or concerns
• Obsession, urgency or desperation
• Recent traumatic life changes
• Addictions or self-defeating habits
• Keeping major secrets
• Sexual affairs
• Repeated delays or avoidances; history of “break-ups”
• A wide discrepancy in the life cycles of the families (i.e. one adult with school age children, while the other’s are grown and gone).
• Denial of prior losses or failure to grieve these losses.
• A short interval between marriages (less than two years).
• A short period (less than six months) between meeting and becoming engaged.
• Unwillingness to address or resolve prior relationship issues.
• Unresolved emotional issues and/or ongoing legal disputes with former spouse.
• Lack of awareness of the emotional difficulties of remarriage for children.
• Children that are “acting out” or experiencing emotional or behavior problems.
• A desire to recreate a “nuclear” family.
• Efforts to draw firm boundaries around who is “in” and “not in” the new family and insisting on primary loyalty and cohesiveness to this family.
• Exclusion of natural parents or grandparents or combating their influences.
• Shift in custody of children near the time of remarriage.
• Unwillingness to acknowledge appropriate responsibility for the break-up of prior relationships.
• Lack of a spiritual support network.
• Unresolved or unstable social, vocational or financial issues
• Denying or downplaying the value of remarriage preparation.
• A history of failed or troubled relationships.
• Unwillingness to accept the ongoing involvement of a former spouse in the lives of children or stepchildren.
• Expecting instant change. Believing that a partner, child or stepchild will change unpleasant traits or behaviors after remarriage.
• Many major life changes or traumas in a short time (past 12 months) to the individual or his or her family.
• A history of volatility in the current relationship (e.g. numerous break-ups).
• Difficulty accepting a partner’s children.
Theological Considerations
In dealing with those in our churches who are divorced and/or remarried, theologies of marriage and family tend to fall into two extreme positions.
Welcome, but no help
On one hand, there is a soft, uncritical theology that says, “God forgives you no matter what you have done” yet claims no moral norm for marriage and family life. This stance offers acceptance, but provides no normative guidance or moral expectation.
Help but no welcome
On the other hand, a harder theology says, “No redemption for divorced people.” Here, remarried couples live in a conditional covenant rooted in brokenness and sin. This stance says that remarried couples do not and can never reflect God’s wholeness in creation. They need care, but they do not share in the fullness of restored humanity, nor participate in a normative moral vision for healthy life in Christ..
We are therefore faced with a choice. We either discount the divorced and remarried as unworthy of wholeness and inclusion or allow ourselves to be stretched by drawing closer and experiencing their suffering and disenfranchisement. The former relieves our anxiety and allows us to “help” without getting involved, while the latter is much messier and increases our anxiety as we attempt to resolve the differences between our own beliefs and the redeeming work of the gospel. In collaborative conversation, we move from knowing about those divorced or remarried to knowing them. Authentic relationships develop in an atmosphere of grace, trust and acceptance, as people enter into a “culture of openness” and discuss hard subjects with honesty, vulnerability and disclosure, for the purpose of building community.
Jesus spent most of His time with marginalized people. He built a community with them through authentic relationships. His love was radically inclusive, so much so that it disturbed the religious structure of the day. As we allow ourselves to be stretched, we must develop a view of divorce and remarriage in the light of Jesus actions. Theologically, He acted out a “praxis” model that starts with action based on compassion. Jesus words of wisdom often followed an act that was challenged by the Pharisees. We must develop our own theology of divorce and remarriage in the real world of hurting people. Praxis forces us to get involved and challenge our understanding for the purpose of redemption and inclusion.
Four Positions
In God, Marriage and Family, Andreas Kostenberger, suggests that four views of divorce and remarriage are most prevalent. The most common espouses the biblical legitimacy of divorce and remarriage for the innocent party of a spouse’s adultery/sexual immorality and of an unbelieving spouse’s desertion. He coins this the “divorce and remarriage” position. The second view holds to divorce for adultery and an unbelieving spouse’s desertion, but not remarriage; the “divorce but no remarriage” view. The third view allows for neither divorce nor remarriage in the case of adultery and divorce but not remarriage for desertion; the “no divorce, no remarriage” view. Finally, no divorce or remarriage for adultery, but divorce and remarriage in the case of desertion by an unbeliever.
Moving toward the divorced and remarried
Awareness of our own humanity and God’s grace drives us toward redemptive dialogue, not judgment. We must enter into redemptive dialogue with divorced and remarried individuals in a safe, grace-based environment. This environment must be a place of authentic acceptance and real-life disclosure. Academic understanding is important but not sufficient. We cannot simply “know” or “talk about” divorce or remarriage, we must actually begin to know the people involved, hear their stories and build authentic relationships. Authentic relationships happen when we are honest, disclosing, respectful and non-judgmental. Without authentically moving towards those divorced and remarried, we risk being no better than Pharisees, haggling over points of law. Authentic relationships take time; time to sit around campfires and share stories of brokenness and despair as well as hope and healing. Ultimately, we must be willing to re-frame our pre-conceived notions. Getting involved in people’s lives is messy. People sin, that‘s why we all desperately need God’s plan B.
We must seek to maintain a dynamic balance: holding high God’s standards and being a vehicle of hope and restoration for those who don’t live up to those standards. We can be a loving hospital for those caught in the snare of selfishness or self-deception without lowering the standard of God’s expectations. Paul calls us to be ambassadors of reconciliation, not ivory tower Pharisees. We dare not become the “elder brother.” Stepfamilies deserve a place at the table. We cannot treat them like those who need care (use up our limited time and resources) but don’t necessarily reflect God’s image of marriage and family.
The question is not whether divorce is good, or whether divorced people are moral. Instead, it is whether families created by remarriage can be vehicles of grace and redemption. Are they part of the family and do they have a place at the table?
For a more comprehensive look the theology of divorce and remarriage, please see Instep’s workbook,
Divorce and Remarriage: A Practical Theology.
Counseling Principles
Your role requires a great deal of flexibility and will challenge your beliefs about divorce and remarriage. Below are some traits that will make your counseling more effective:
• Awareness of your own beliefs and values concerning divorce and remarriage
• Clarity about your own relationships
• An understanding of the dynamics and complexities of remarriage
• A “big picture” view of remarriage, that includes a large extended family, including former spouses and former in-laws
• Grace, patience, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness and ability to role model these traits
• The ability to move to the active role of educator and facilitator
Most couples carry into a new marriage the problems, dysfunctions and hurts of the former marriage. It is important to assist couples in adequately dealing with and resolving their previous marital relationships and differentiating their present martial relationship from their previous marital history.
The key counseling principle with remarrying couples is education. More than anything else, they need accurate, practical information to combat their msibeliefs and unrealistic expectations. Below are some basic principles of remarriage and stepfamily counseling.
Validate the stepfamily experience
Remarrying couples can feel overwhelmed by the complexity of issues they will face, especially if both have children from previous marriages. They are looking to you to accept and validate their feelings. They need to feel understood; that they are not crazy or wrong for some of the things they may be thinking and feeling. They also need validation that they will be a “legitimate” family in God’s eyes. Three words can characterize the basic core of pre-remarriage counseling: warmth, knowledge and understanding.
Provide a supportive climate
The most facilitative atmosphere is one that is supportive and accepting. Some couples will have had previous, probably unsuccessful counseling experiences, and may be defensive, skeptical or anxious. Disclosing past flaws or failures can be painful.
Educate and inform
Remarrying couples are naïve about the challenges they will face, especially the first two years. They need to be given realistic expectations, guided through potential trouble spots and validated in their confusion. For example, to assure them that the first few years of stepfamily life are always turbulent and that their feelings are normal is extremely important and relieving.
Explain the dynamics of “mini-families” and the insider-outsider role
New families are actually the combining of two of more single-parent units, each with its own system of rules and roles. These biological systems, we refer to as “mini-families” do not blend well. Members of a particular group are “insiders,” and non-members (e.g. stepparent, stepsiblings) are outsiders. It takes two to three years, or longer, before these groups are able to effectively merge.
Emphasize the importance of the couple relationship
The couple relationship is the most important relationship in a stepfamily. Without an intact couple, there is no stepfamily. Helping the new couple to function as a team is a key task. The goal is to affirm the parent-child relationship, while allowing the couple time to develop.
Verify and validate the grief process
Grief is the heart of the remarriage/stepfamily experience and the constant companion of most remarrying adults and their children. Children are particularly impacted by loss. For them, remarriage is just another loss and another change over which they have no control. Grief is easily reactivated and can reverberate throughout the family for many years.
Identify unrealistic expectations
Most unrealistic expectations are unvoiced; some are even unknown to the individual. Help the couple understand these expectation and replace them with develop realistic goals and strategies.
Explain the transition from single-parent to stepfamily home
Rules and roles in the single-parent family tend to be resistant to change. The stepparent, for example, will have very low “parental status” no mater how accomplished a parent he or she may be. Children need time to adjust to family changes.
A Sample Pre-remarriage Counseling Protocol
Consider a remarriage preparation process that contains the following:
A minimum one-year period between the time the couple meets and the wedding.
A remarriage preparation class using resources such as Second Chances by InStep Ministries, New Faces in the Frame by Dick Dunn, The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal or the video series Designing Dynamic Stepfamilies by Carri and Gordon Taylor.
Use of an inventory such as PREPARE-MC. This can be given individually or in a class format. In a class format, you can give all versions of PREPARE, discuss universal issues in class, and schedule individual sessions for each couple.
Pre-remarriage counseling sessions (ten sessions or more recommended)
Use of a mentor couple; typically a stepcouple who have been married at least two years. They can help normalize the remarriage/stepfamily experience and facilitate integrating the new couple into your congregational community.
A stepcouple life or support group lead by an experienced stepcouple.
Initial presentation
When a remarrying couple first presents themselves, encourage them to share the details of their divorce. Listen particularly for these key issues: taking responsibility for their role in the break up of the marriage, demonstrating a repentant heart, involving themselves in community and living a Godly lifestyle. If you believe there has been true brokenness and repentance, that the divorce was not solely for the purpose of marrying another, and that the marriage bonds are broken with no possibility of reconciliation, then we take the position that scripturally a couple is free to remarry.
Session One (Couple Only)
1. Determine together how many sessions you will have.
2. Conduct a genogram or family-of-origin history. Discuss the nature of each partner’s parents’ marriages and any significant childhood or adolescent events.
3. How have they been functioning as singles/single-parents?
4. Administer a re-marital inventory such as PREPARE-MC. (Tailor future sessions to these results).
5. Have the couple begin reading one of the following:
Looking Before You Leap…Again by Instep Ministries
The Journey by Instep Ministries
The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal
Session Two (Couple Only)
Discuss the details of the current relationship. (Note: Chapter Four of Stahmann and Hiebert’s, Pre-marital and Re-marital Counseling, contains an excellent group of questions they have developed called the Dynamic Relationship History.
Include the following in your discussion:
• Details of the first meeting
• First impressions
• Areas of attraction
• Dating history
• Contours of the relationship (similarities and differences, goals, hobbies, values, faith, dreams)
• Reactions of friends/family/support network
• Relationships with each other’s children/families
• Engagement process
• Expectations for the new marriage/family
• Discuss the role of myths and unrealistic expectations
• Begin discussing the differences between dating and being a family, i.e. relationships with children; house rules ands tasks, stepparent role, etc.
• Discuss any “red flags” that you may observe
Session Three (Couple Only)
1. Have the couple share their stories of prior relationships.
2. Focus particularly on their past marriage:
1. How they met/why they married
2. Length of the marriage
3. Nature of the marriage (problems; marriage type; couple relationship)
4. Children
5. How were problems handled?
6. How/why did the marriage fail?
7. Who initiated the break-up and why?
8. Baggage they have from the past (unresolved issues, hurts, circumstances)
9. If completed, discuss inventory results; determine growth areas for future sessions
Session Four (Children Only)
1. Meet with each partner’s children separately (may require more than one session).
2. Determine how the children are adjusting to the pending remarriage—fears, apprehensions, changes in rules and roles. (Note: the more changes, the more difficult the adjustment.)
3. Assess the relationship with the stepparent. How is he/she viewed?
4. Assess the relationship with the non-custodial parent.
Session Five (Couple Only)
1. Discuss the children and step-relationships.
2. Continue discussing the transition from a single-parent home (mini-families)
3. Discuss the stepparent role. Emphasize the need for gradual development, particularly in the area of discipline.
4. Discuss key after-wedding changes: rules, roles and routines. How will different rules and routines be “blended?”
5. Talk about holidays, vacations and traditions? How do they differ? How will these be negotiated?
6. Explore the role of extended family systems—former spouses, extended family relationships, in-laws, etc.
Session Six (Couple Only)
1. Discuss parenting issues. How will the couple work as a team?
2. How will discipline decisions be made? Emphasize that the biological parent needs to be in the lead, with the stepparent in support.
3. Who will discipline the children? Will each be allowed to discipline the other’s children (not recommended)?
4. Discuss how stepparent-stepchild conflicts will be resolved. How will the couple avoid triangulations?
Session Seven (Couple Only)
1. Discus communication and problem solving. Teach active listening skills.
2. Discuss progress on stepparenting and household rules and roles.
3. Discuss visitation issues; key in on any transition problems.
4. Continue discussing the role of former spouses (if needed).
Session Eight (Biological Parent and Children)
1. Discuss the children’s fears of losing their parent
2. Develop strategies for children to safely communicate their concerns
3. Discuss the relationship with the stepparent. Name he/she will be called; roles he/she will play.
4. Discuss the impact of changes: residence, school, rules and roles.
5. Discuss issues concerning the role of the non-custodial parent.
Session Nine (Couple Only)
1. Discuss the importance of the marriage relationship. Talk about strategies for nurturing this relationship.
2. Discuss ways to balance the needs of the children and the needs of the spouse.
3. Talk about ways to build trust and cohesion in the new family.
4. Discuss wedding details. (Introduce the Family Medallion www.familymedallion.com).
5. Encourage the couple to join a stepfamily support group.
6. Homework: Handout Ten
Session Ten (Whole Family)
1. Observe the family interact.
2. Ask how each relates to the others.
3. Discuss family meetings.
4. Discuss logistical changes and how each person is impacted.
5. Discuss the need to keep old traditions while developing new ones.
6. (Optional) Introduce the Joshua Memorial (The Journey, page 235)
Optional Sessions
1. Former spouses or in-laws
2. Issues raised by PREPARE-MC or other inventory.
3. Additional work with the couple and/or the children
4. Ninety day follow-up session with couple
5. One-year follow-up session with whole family
For a more complete look at remarriage preparation, please see our workbook, Preparing Couples for Remarriage.
For consultation or more information please call toll free: 1-888-5INSTEP.
Who we are
InStep Ministries is a Christ-centered nonprofit (501c3) organization dedicated to equipping pastors and Christian leaders to more effectively serve the singles, single parents, and stepfamilies in their congregations and communities. Our vision is to equip every church to effectively minister to singles and stepfamilies. Our passion is to connect every single and stepfamily to a community of faith.
To accomplish our vision we:
• Consult with pastors who wish to become more sensitive to the needs of singles, single parents and stepfamilies in their congregations and communities.
• Assist pastors and leaders as they minister to singles, single parents and stepfamilies by providing Biblical information and resources concerning the realities and challenges of remarriage and stepfamily life.
• Provide support groups, practical resources, coaching and counseling to current and prospective stepfamilies.
• Conduct a wide variety of retreats, seminars and workshops on relevant single and stepfamily issues.
• Provide training and ongoing assistance to pastors and their staffs as well lay leaders.
• Serve as a bridge between the community of faith and the unchurched community of single, divorced and remarried individuals.
