Are You Ready to Remarry?

I have been living successfully and independently alone for several years.
I am comfortable with solitude.
I have addressed any emotional wounds from my divorce and am in recovery now for me, not for anyone else.
I understand that a stepfamily is not a re-creation of the nuclear family.
I understand that if I remarry, I will have to adjust to numerous individuals, some not living with me but related in some way to my new spouse or his or her children.
I am not now addicted to or over-using any substance, activity or relationship.
If I am struggling with abuse or an addiction, I am currently and will remain in active treatment.
I am able to verbalize my needs without fear or dependency.
I can handle conflicts without attacking, avoiding, denying, controlling or fleeing.

If most of these are true, great, you are emotionally healthy and growing. If many of these statements are not true for you, please consider talking to your pastor or a counselor.

Rating Indicator #1: Using a scale from one to five, rate your current level of readiness on this indicator. For example, a “1” would indicate that you have been divorced less than one year and have done little or no work on your situation. A “5” on the other hand, would indicate that you have been divorced over 3 years, and have addressed or are addressing the issues we have raised.

Nothing Addressed 1 2 3 4 5 Fully Addressed

2. Losses incurred through death/divorce have been acknowledged and dealt with.

There are numerous personal losses associated with death or divorce. For many individuals these losses are overwhelming. For some, it is the loss of a dream, for others the loss of children, for still others the loss of a cherished partner. Many women experience a substantial loss of income, and a subsequent loss of life style. Many men suffer the loss of quality time with their children. One father talked about becoming a “paycheck dad” another referred to his new role as “Uncle Daddy.” Many women who have felt abandoned by their husbands deal with the unenviable task of keeping a family together when they are falling apart. The emotional trauma associated with these losses does not heal quickly or easily.

Rating Indicator #2: Using a 1 to 5 rating scale, rate your progress on this indicator. A score of “1” would indicate that you have not acknowledged or addressed any areas of loss. A score of “5” indicates that you have acknowledged and addressed all the areas of loss associated with your divorce and that you have allowed yourself and your children to grieve. Circle the score that best applies to you at this time.

Nothing Addressed 1 2 3 4 5 Fully Addressed

3. Legal issues from prior relationships are resolved.

Many divorces become adversarial in nature, often requiring attorneys and court appearances. We recently counseled a couple in which one partner was still involved in open litigation from a prior relationship. The other partner was soon drawn into the deliberations, mostly as a rescuer. The negative energy and consumption of time created by this situation soon broke this couple apart. It is critical to have all legal and financial issues as resolved as possible before contemplating remarriage. Far too many couples enter a new relationship with unhealthy motives. For some, it is the “rescuer” or “white knight” role; for others, it is the “rescue me” or “take care of me” role. These roles are only temporary and superficial and do not reflect the best reasons to remarry. Resolution in this area means there is currently no planned or pending litigation between you and your former spouse. Issues surrounding child support, spousal maintenance, and division of property have been completed. In addition, you are not looking to be rescued or rescue anyone from a perceived “bad” situation.

Rating Indicator #3: Again, using a 1 to 5 scale, rate your status on this indicator. A “1” indicates that you are still unsettled about the legal issues surrounding your divorce and are contemplating some form of legal action. A “5” indicates that you are at peace with the details of the divorce, that all arrangements have been settled and that you have no plans for future litigation.

Nothing Addressed 1 2 3 4 5 Fully Addressed

4. Emotional issues with your prior relationship have been resolved; you are in a fairly healthy co-parenting relationship with your former spouse.

Continuing attachment to a former spouse is a cause of remarriage failure. Some marriages end with spouses remaining emotionally attached. Many marriages end with the couple being enemies. Perhaps there has been extensive litigation, or perhaps one party felt abandoned and devastated and then bitter. In many relationships, there has been a legal divorce but not an emotional one. Many former spouses hope and pray for reconciliation years after a divorce. To be sure, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, except that if you remain psychological and emotional tied to your former spouse, you are clearly not ready for remarriage.

Resolution in this area means that you and your former spouse are on fairly friendly terms (as much as it is up to you) and you are both endeavoring to co-parent your children. Any anger or resentment toward your former spouse has been acknowledged and resolved. You are no longer emotionally attached to or in love with your former spouse. The best interests of your children have been placed above your own personal feelings. You have come to understand that your former spouse will be involved in your life at some level as long as your children are.

Rating indicator # 4: A “1” suggests you do not have a parenting plan or a cordial relationship with your ex-spouse. A “5” suggests you have developed a healthy working relationship with your ex-spouse.

Nothing Addressed 1 2 3 4 5 Fully Addressed

5. Your children’s emotional issues concerning divorce and remarriage have been adequately addressed.

Children are often adversely affected by divorce, even years later. In fact, research reviewed by Pam and Pearson in Splitting Up suggests that when divorces are particularly adversarial and the conflict between parents is prolonged, the emotional damage to a child can be quite severe and long lasting. In our experience, the adage, “the parting parent left the spouse but not the children,” is not accurate. Children feel that they have lost a parent as well as the stability of their biological family.

Children process issues much more slowly than adults, which means that even though you may be ready to remarry, your children may not. Provide an opportunity for your children to process their own grief and loss. Do not assume they will be fine. When parents are locked into blaming one another for a marital breakup, it is often the child who readily takes the blame. In these instances, children may adopt a scapegoat role in an effort to reduce pressure and conflict between parents. Look for signs of poor adjustment, such as withdrawal, acting out, or other changes in conduct and behavior. If such signs become evident, consult a counselor. One child Jeff counseled began getting poor grades in school in an effort to bring her parents together.

Most children do not abandon the idea of their parents’ reuniting, which is one reason why a pending remarriage may create conflict for children. In a study conducted by Judith Wallerstein and Joan Kelly, the authors reported that after five years, over one-half of the children did not regard their new family as an improvement over their previous family. Even though their family failed prior to the divorce, the children said that if they had a choice, they would return to it.

Rating indicator # 5: A rating of “1” indicates that you did not know your kids needed any attention. A number “5” indicates that you fully addressed their needs. For example, you may have read books, took them to counseling, been aware of their needs and emotions, sensitive to subtle messages in their behavior, and were very clear on being OK to take care of them. A rating of “5” also means that, “I am not dependent on my children."

Nothing Addressed 1 2 3 4 5 Fully Addressed

6. You recognize that a new stepfamily will be unique, not a remake of your old nuclear family.

Stepfamilies are not the same as nuclear families. They are born of loss, with roles that are very ambiguous. Stepfamilies take several years to successfully integrate. During those years, there is a good deal of turbulence and stress as virtual strangers, with few shared traditions, attempt to become a family. Many individuals seek to recreate the biological family model in their next marriage, which is seldom successful. The reasons for wanting to recreate a nuclear family vary, but the most common include a need to “do it right this time,” or to “prove that my ex- was wrong about me,” or to “do the best for my children.” We mistakenly think we can turn a stepfamily into a nuclear family by having the children call our new spouse “Mommy” or “Daddy” as if they do not know the difference. Resolution in this area means that you understand the differences between a nuclear family and a stepfamily.

Rating Indicator #6: A “1” means you intend to have your new stepfamily look just like a nuclear family. “5” means you understand a stepfamily can never be just like a nuclear family.

Not Understood 1 2 3 4 5 Fully Understood

7. You are able to embrace and involve your children’s extended family.

After a divorce, it is not uncommon to feel uncomfortable around your former spouse’s family. Resolution in this area means that your children have access to all family members, even your ex-spouse’s family. To the best of your ability, you are maintaining a cordial relationship with them for the sake of your children. This may take some work, since families tend to take sides. There is no better opportunity for grace and forgiveness than to embrace your child’s extended family for that child’s sake.

An emotionally healthy response to your former spouse’s family means that you are able to do the following:

Rating Indicator # 7: Rating yourself a “1” suggests you have no interest in a cordial relationship with your ex-in-laws. A rating of a “5” means either you have a good relationship or are working very hard to create one for your child’s sake.

Poor Relationship 1 2 3 4 5 Good Relationship

8. Custody issues are resolved and in place.

Sometimes after a divorce, custody arrangements change, as when a teenage boy chooses to live with his father. Resolution in this area means that there is no current pending litigation concerning custody and there have been no recent custody changes. Some changes are sudden or traumatic, and take some time for adjustment. Readiness means your children are settled in terms of school, residence and visitation schedules. This is important for remarriage readiness because custody changes are extremely traumatic and could place an extreme hardship on a new marriage. If you and your prospective spouse are considering changing custody arraignments after your marriage, please be very careful. The stress of litigation can also be devastating to a new marriage.

How many of these statements are true for you?

Rating indicator # 8: A “1” suggests that custody arrangements are not in place or that I am planning future litigation in this area. A “5” suggests that custody is a settled issue and that you and your ex-spouse are committed to the welfare of your children.

Custody Unsettled 1 2 3 4 5 Custody Settled

9. Parenting time runs smoothly, for the most part.

Children are often used as a weapon between adversarial spouses. Jeff once had a case where visitation pick-ups were so difficult due to ugly yelling matches between the parents that a neutral agency had to be retained just to pick up and return the visiting children. Resolution in this area means that children have easy and equal access to both households. Visitation pick-ups and drop-offs are trouble-free. Neither parent says negative, hurtful things about the other in front of the children. Both homes provide adequate space for the children and are reasonably similar in terms of rules, such as bedtimes, fast food or TV. The spiritual needs of the children are taken seriously by both parents. One divorced couple Jeff counseled made it a priority that their children attended Sunday School regularly, no matter whose weekend it was. Being positive and friendly with a former spouse during parenting cycles and being flexible and considerate during holidays and vacations, is a good readiness sign.

How many of these statements are true for you?

Rating Indicator # 9: A “1” suggests my ex-spouse and I either do not communicate about our children or we do so in a destructive manner. A “5” suggests we are able to put aside any differences and cooperate for the sake of the children.

Uncooperative 1 2 3 4 5 Cooperative

10. You are actively involved in a church and a small group.

We are grieved over how many divorcing couples stop going to church or pull away from fellowship. For many, the choice to stop attending church is about guilt. For some it symbolizes a new, freer lifestyle. For still others it represents the result of feeling disconnected, or even unwanted. We are also grieved when divorcing couples are abandoned or avoided by their friends. We believe the church should be a place of grace and forgiveness. Regular attendance and involvement should not stop because of a divorce. Singles are whole people, with much to offer.

Resolution on this factor means that you and your children are attending a church on a regular basis and involved in some ministry, such as a small group or your church’s singles ministry. Resolution also means you have resolved with God your role in the divorce. For some, this may entail forgiving a former spouse. For others it may involve asking for forgiveness. God never intended for us to harm one another or break our oaths. I John 2:1 tells us that when we do, however, we have an advocate, Jesus Christ. God’s solution for our hurt, pain and fallenness is repentance, followed by reconciliation and restoration. Make no mistake, no matter what your role in the divorce, God is waiting to embrace you with open arms of love.

How many of the following statements are true for you?

Rating Indicator # 10: A “1” means you are not attending church regularly and have not gotten plugged into a small group. A “5” means you are attending church and small group regularly and are developing relationships in your group.

Nothing Addressed 1 2 3 4 5 Cooperative

11. You are growing spiritually and have at least one person to whom you are accountable.

You cannot grow spiritually in a vacuum. An accountability partner is someone with whom you can share your spiritual journey. Take the time necessary to find someone you can trust, someone who will listen and provide Godly feedback. Success on this indicator means that you have an accountability partner and you are actively developing your faith. You are reading your Bible regularly and practicing your faith in the real world. God’s precepts and principles are your guide in life. There is at least one person to whom you are spiritually accountable. Growing in your faith and active involvement in a local church is an important way to avoid a serious mistake: dating someone who is not a believer or with whom you are unequally yoked. There is a very clear difference between a nominal church attendee and a committed believer. Dating someone who promises to start going to church or promises to become a Christian after you are married is a huge red flag. Resolution means that you are committed to dating only solid believers, who are working through their own issues.

Rating Indicator #11: A “1” suggests you have not found an accountability partner and that you are not regularly in God’s word. A “5” reflects that you meet regularly with an accountability partner, with whom you are open and honest. 5

No Accountability 1 2 3 4 5 Good Accountability

12. Personal issues surrounding your divorce have been addressed.

Some people believe that signing a piece of paper (Marriage license) will help them live happily ever after. We know that is not true. Signing a divorce paper will not make all your pain go away either. You want a new life for yourself and your family. For most, especially right after a divorce, that seems a million miles away. There are actually two divorces, a legal one and an emotional one. As you might have guessed, the emotional one is a little trickier to work through. Some individuals are emotionally divorced long before the separation. Others take years before they feel emotionally disconnected from their ex-spouse. A few never achieve emotional divorce.

To say that a divorce raises personal issues is a vast understatement. In many ways, a divorce is like a funnel, where every weakness, insecurity and unresolved issue from our life seems to gather. And like a funnel, if your pour in too fast, things will spill over. We have listened to the stories of many who have experienced depression, anxiety, hopelessness, abandonment, stifling fear, guilt and panic as they were faced with the challenges of being alone and raising a family alone. Divorce is always devastating, even if you were the one who wanted it. No wonder God says he hates divorce, because He hates broken promises and He sees how it affects His people. A mistake many divorced individuals make is to deny the negative effects the divorce has had on them. Take the time to resolve these issues. We have never seen an individual unaffected by divorce.

Rating Indicator # 12: A rating of “1” suggests that most of the above statements are not true for you at this time. A rating of “5” suggests that a majority of the above statements are true.

Not True 1 2 3 4 5 Mostly All True

Rating: 60 points are possible; click on the button below to add your scores from each of the twelve indicators.