Single Adults
Demographics
Single adults make up nearly 40% of the general population (close to 100 million adults) 10-15% are widowed; 30-35% never married and 50-60% divorced
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, one third of men and nearly 
one quarter of women between the ages of 30 - 34 have never been married, nearly four times the rates in 1970. Part of the reason for the growing single population is the high rate at which men and women are delaying marriage. The average age of first marriage for women is now twenty-five, and for men twenty-seven. This is the first time in U.S. history that both sexes are choosing to marry so late.
The current generation of singles, more than any past generation, is involved in what social experts call “serial monogamy.” This means they will have a series of “committed” partners prior to marriage, which explains the delay in marriage. Fear of commitment, struggles with independence and career, and fear of marriage failure are the likely reasons for this delay.
Singles are vastly misunderstood in the church. Some churches see them as cavalier and unable to commit. Others see them as hedonists, always looking for fun. Still others see them as relationally deficient. Most churches view marriage as the “cure” for singleness. In reality, most singles want to marry. Most are solid people who fear the aftermath of failed marriages (as they witnessed in their parents). Some are lonely, alienated, wounded, disconnected and cautious. However, many are very high functioning and leaders in the community. They are looking for relevance, acceptance, real community, friendships, and opportunities to learn and serve. Some have difficulty with relationships and decision-making. All are looking for a faith that is practical and relevant—that meets them where they are.
Common myths
All single adults...
• are sexually active.
• are desperate to get married.
• are unhappy with being single.
• have never grown up.
• are not whole people.
• have more fun than married people.
• are a threat to marriages.
• are selfish.
• have major personal and emotional problems.
• are irresponsible.
• are transient.
• are lonely.
• cannot be good parents.
• do not have good relational skills.
• are afraid of commitment.
• are not dependable.
Relationships
Relationships are God’s Idea
When God looked at Adam and said, “It is not good that man is alone,” He was referring to much more than marriage. He was making a statement about His very essence.
God is relational, and since we are made in His image (Gen. 1:26), we are relational beings at the very core of who we are. Yet we can experience a good deal of loneliness, and have been hurt or disappointed in relationships. Many struggle with the fear that perhaps they will never find a healthy or intimate relationship.
God built us for relationships; He wants our relationships to reflect His character—love, compassion, faithfulness, mercy, trust, etc. Each of us wants to be accepted, acknowledged, loved, liked, respected, and most importantly known.
What does a “healthy” relationship look like?
In Bonding, Donald Joy gives five criteria for healthy, meaningful relationships. These relationships can be close family, relatives, friends or associates. To determine how many of these relationships you have, he suggests that you list those who would need to be called or contacted if you were admitted to an emergency room in an unconscious state.
Five criteria
• Both people share a high investment in the relationship.
• There is frequent face-to-face contact as well as mail (e-mail) or phone connection when you miss seeing each other for a few weeks.
• The relationship has a strong emotional dimension. Even chance meetings are welcomed.
• The relationship has an “instrumental” base. That is, each of you knows that any serious emergency or need would cost you time or money to “be there."
• The relationship is mutually reciprocal and symmetrical. Healthy friendships are so evenly paired that both persons can give and both persons can receive without “keeping score” (pg. 12).
Each of us needs at least 10 to 20 “five criteria” people in our lives to be healthy and, at least half of these individuals should know each other. If connections drop below 10, we will begin showing symptoms—depression, distortions in our perceptions, acute loneliness, etc. If connections drop below 5 we will almost certainly be the center of attention for our group, who will likely be functioning in some form of “care-taking” role.
InStep’s core beliefs about relationships:
• We are created in God’s image and made for relationships and intimacy.
• Due to past experiences, many are emotionally wounded and unable to experience true intimacy.
• Life wounds all of us and we are naturally drawn to protect our areas of woundedness.
• Attempts to find intimacy are often unsuccessful because of the need to self-protect. Intimacy can only be achieved through honest self-disclosure.
• Most settle for something less than intimacy in relationships, which is ultimately unfulfilling.
• Sexuality is often used as a substitute for or a shortcut to true intimacy.
• Unless emotional wounds are addressed, we will choose the same types of unhealthy partners, over and over, with the same outcomes.
• Dating, as it is practiced today, encourages the use of a self-protective false-self” which means we may achieve a form of approval from someone but we will never likely have our deep intimacy needs met.
• Unmet needs lead to relationship failures.
• Being a healthy single is a prerequisite to being in a healthy relationship.
• Healthy singles have a partnership with God, a strong support network, are committed to working through any of their emotional issues and have learned basic social and relational skills and self-care functions.
• You can learn to relate to people using your “real” self.
• You can develop “five-criteria” relationships.
• The goal of dating (courting) is not to find the “right” person but to be the right person and find the right relationship.
• You do not have to be married to be healthy, happy or have great relationships.
• Singleness is not the waiting room of life—it is life and a gift from God.
• A healthy relationship with God is a critical prerequisite to healthy relationships.
• You cannot discover the life God has for you unless you can embrace solitude.
• You cannot do solitude well unless you deal effectively with loneliness.
• Loneliness and emotional woundedness drive people into relationships too soon, with tragic consequences.
• The pain of these consequences often drives us back to our need for intimacy and our tendency to use a “false self” to self-protect.
• Pain, loneliness and fear should lead us to seek God (and a few others).
• Giving our self-protective self to God is the only effective way to lasting healing and peace.
Relationship Readiness
Being “ready” to be in a relationship may seem like an odd concept, but it is critical to relationship success. Most singles are clueless about their state of emotional readiness. Many “jump” into relationships much too soon. Lack of readiness is what causes us to choose unhealthy partners and rush into unhealthy relationships.
Aspects of readiness
• Rock solid relationship with God.
• Connected to others and practicing authentic relationships.
• Able to risk.
• Not controlled by fear.
• Committed to growth.
• Willing to learn from circumstances (even negative ones).
• Capable of expressing what you need and want
• Able to allow relationships to develop.
• Balance and mutuality.
• Able to compromise, negotiate.
• Directness.
• Appropriate trust.
• Emotional stability.
ARE YOU READY? Take The Quiz
Strategies for Successful Dating (Courting)
Love others well, just as God does.
Love doesn’t cause another to sin (Luke 17:1-2; I Cor. 8:9-13). Love considers the interests of others (Phil. 2:4). Love rejoices in truth (I Cor. 13: 6). Love encourages spiritual growth (Heb. 12:25). Agape love is unconditional, affirming love. Read Paul’s incredible definition of agape in I Cor. 13.
Stay connected to your support network
Many people want to simply find "the one.’" We need community. We have too many needs for one person to meet. Get connected, and stay connected.
Stay away from verbal foreplay early on in the relationship.
These conversations can become the central focus of your interactions, making it harder to experience other parts of your relationship.
Spend more time courting in person rather than by email or phone.
Electronic communication has an aspect of anonymity and safety. It allows for a false sense of closeness. If this is your primary mode of communication, you may feel awkward with each other in person.
Be yourself at all times.
Be clear about who you are and what you want.
Be clear from the start how you want to be treated.
It is better to know sooner how a person will respond to your boundaries and standards.
Accept your new partner as he or she is or don't engage in the relationship.
If a certain behavior bothers you but does not bother him or her, you can be sure that this behavior will continue. Accept your new partner now, rather than hoping for change, or get out.
Never expect another person to fulfill all your needs and make your life a dream come true.
You and you alone, are responsible for your needs. Other people cannot "make" us happy. If you're expecting a partner to provide you with those things, chances are you're feeling rather disappointed in others on a regular basis.
Be willing to be vulnerable and take risks in your relationships.
Playing it safe, hiding your real feelings and thoughts, refusing to show you're human—may be self-protective, but they prevent us from experiencing the true joy of being in healthy relationships.
Discover old relationship patterns.
If your past relationships have not worked out, you are at least 50% responsible. If you don't see clearly what you did to end those relationships, you are powerless to do relationships differently. We tend to pick the same types of partners over and over.
Replace your old ineffective patterns.
Most “dating” is false-self dating and will never meet your intimacy needs. Changing old patterns sounds harder than it really is. Deal with your resistance to change first. Then remember that relationships are God’s way of meeting our intimacy needs. Relating out our fullness allows us to be vulnerable and self-disclosing. New patterns of relating should include the following:
• Seeing people for who they are and not for whom you want them to be.
• Recognizing your attraction to people, understanding what you are attracted to in them and realizing that you have a choice.
• Knowing what you need and being able to assess if a potential partner is able and willing to meet your needs.
• Knowing and respecting your boundaries and communicating when they are crossed; being able to respect the boundaries of another.
• Being clear about your definition of an ideal relationship and being able to assess if a potential partner has the capacity to co-create that kind of relationship with you.
• Having a strong community and support network and a satisfying social life, one where your needs for companionship are well met.
Tell a potential partner what you want from the outset.
Share your expectations, your values, your passions and your boundaries. Great relationships involve people who share similar goals, values and expectations. Staying in relationships where these values and goals are not shared almost always ends in disaster.
Maintain your limits.
Even the best partners will inevitably do some things that will not be “OK” with you. If you say nothing, your partner will not know that his or her behavior is affecting you negatively. This will inevitably lead to unhealthy relationship patterns. Limits keep us healthy because they re-iterate our values. Boundaries also greatly enhance your ability to select the right partner. Healthy partners will respect our limits. The wrong partner will cross your boundaries fairly early into the relationship.
Practice sexual stewardship.
It is normal to experience sexual desire and even arousal. These sensations are not sinful. These are physiological responses created by God. However part of God’s design was that sexuality would not achieve full expression until marriage. Know your sexual boundaries before you begin a relationship. Respect and honor the boundaries of a partner. Address the issue up front in your relationship. Covenant to abstain from sex until after marriage. Have your support network hold you accountable (Prov. 27:17). Keep affection appropriate. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5 to not let our love turn to lust.
Discern “emotionally” available partners.
You can learn to recognize whether a potential partner a partner will be emotionally available by listening and observing. They will communicate clearly who they are and what they are looking for. For example, if a person says he is not interested in a committed relationship, and you know you are, then he is not “available enough.” If she says she loves her life working 80-hour weeks, while you want someone with you every night, she is not “available enough.”
Sexuality and dating
Handling the physical (Rom. 6:12; Gal. 5:16-24; Phil. 1:10; I John 2:15-16)
In Dating, Waiting and Choosing a Mate, Norman Wright and Marvin Inmon list five advantages to not being sexual before marriage.
1. There will be no guilt over having disobeyed God’s laws.
2. There will be no fear of conceiving a child and having to decide what to do next.
3. There will not be any comparing of one’s current partner with a former partner.
4. The self-control learned by waiting will be transferable to any subsequent periods of absence from one’s spouse.
5. The pleasure of sexual satisfaction shared with only each other brings excitement to the marriage.
God wants us to see sexuality from an eternal perspective; sexuality is part of God’s design for relationship. Just as He made us relational beings, He also made us sexual beings. For most, healthy sexuality is an incredible challenge. Those looking to marry often have an abbreviated courtship period due to finances and loneliness. A strong desire for intimacy, including sexuality, often hastens a couple toward marriage. Sexuality is a gift from God that calls for stewardship and responsibility, not misuse or abuse.
Biblical truths about sexuality
• Sexuality is a gift from our Creator.
• God’s standard is purity-even if that means secondary purity. We are new creatures in Christ.
• Sexuality is multi-faceted, and includes social, emotional, physical and spiritual dimensions.
• You are a steward of your own sexuality.
• God knows best when it comes to sexual boundaries.
• God has put limits on sexual expression for our good.
• Our relational and intimacy needs can be met without sex.
• Stewardship of my sexuality is a lifelong process.
• We can trust God with our lives and our relationships.
You may be struggling with your sexuality. You may be considering a sexual relationship with your partner; you may already be sexual. Perhaps you are already living with someone. You may be dealing with the consequences of childhood events such as abuse or incest or more recent trauma such as spouse abuse or rape. You may feel you hate the opposite sex or you may even hate yourself. You may have difficulty seeing yourself as a sexual being or you may be having difficulty with your sexual boundaries. Some of you may be struggling with the unfaithfulness of a partner. You may have even contracted an STD through his or her behavior. Sexuality and understanding your own sexual boundaries are clearly important topics in dating and remarriage. In reality, sexuality is about you. My goal in writing this section is absolutely not to shame you but to inform you. God has a great deal to say about sexuality. Just as important, however, He has a lot to say about you. He loves you and wants the very best for you. I believe His ideals lead to our best possible destiny. Please review the following material and make informed choices. This is a critical area of discussion with a potential partner. Please take the time to get clear about your sexuality.
Sexuality is very personal.
God made you a sexual being. You have choices about how you will involve yourself sexually with others. This is true no matter what your past; even if you have traumatized by abuse, incest or rape. These horrible intrusions may have left you feeling ashamed and guilty. You may even hate your own sexuality, the opposite sex or even yourself. If this is the case, please talk to a caring pastor or counselor.
The decision to be sexual with a partner is a choice you should make without feeling coerced or obligated. It is a choice that should be consistent with your values. Sexual boundaries can appear vague and blurred to those who have been sexual in prior relationships. The stigma surrounding abstaining seems less urgent or less relevant. A strong desire for intimacy, including sexuality, often hastens a couple toward sex or even cohabitating before remarriage. For many, sex is a way of finding acceptance or dispelling loneliness. However, sexual contact tends to make a new relationship “feel” more intimate than it really is. Sex creates a bond, but it does not necessarily create love. Sexuality can create a false sense of oneness, which is a distortion of God’s call for a couple to become “one flesh.” Sexual contact can result in relationships that do not “fit” and partners that we would normally not choose. God made sex and He meant it to be pleasurable. He also meant it as a gift to be enjoyed in marriage. Resolve to keep your relationships non-sexual until marriage. Be clear about your values before the first date.
Intimacy is the gradual development of understanding and appreciation for another person by listening, discussing, sharing, and being mutually involved. It can exist in several realms, not just the physical. One can be intimate with a person and not physical. Dating someone who is not actively living his or her faith will result in great disappointment. Take the time to find someone spiritually compatible. (II Cor. 6:14)
Our advice is to not have sex until you are married. Become friends first. Agree to wait. Be firm and intentional here. Sex should be discussed up front. Limits and boundaries should be crystal clear. If a person will not respect your boundaries here, he or she has impulse control or integrity issues and will likely not respect your boundaries in other areas. If a person consistently violates your boundaries or continually pushes your limits, terminate the relationship. If you do not, not only will you lose their respect, but your own as well.
If you are currently having sex with your partner, please stop. You are harming yourself and the relationship. Sex tends to “rush” relationships, not allowing time for two people to really get to know one another. If you are currently co-habitating, one of you should move out. If that is not possible immediately, then move into separate bedrooms and stop having sex. Co-habituation clearly decreases remarriage success because it emphasizes relationship without commitment. Also, be clear on this, God has forgiven your past. No matter how sexually active you have been in the past, or how many broken relationships you have had, God can heal, forgive and restore you. Please do not continue to have sex out of guilt, shame or fear. Sex will never lead to the intimacy you desire.
Sexuality can drive us into relationships in a sinful context. Many individuals tell us they have become sexual or contemplated moving in with a partner as a way of determining sexual compatibility. Their reasoning is that knowing if they are compatible before marriage will lessen the chance of divorce in the future. In our experience, sexual compatibility is an overblown concept. In over twenty-five years of counseling couples, Jeff has seen very few cases of true sexual incompatibility. Two human beings that deeply love each other can be sexually compatible. Sex is a powerful way to deepen love between two people and enhance their relationship. It is also a powerful way to hurt when it is experienced in the wrong context. While sex creates a powerful bonding, it does not necessarily create love. In fact, it often does the opposite. Many men, for example, begin to have a lower view of their partners once they are having sex with then. Again, the facts refute this anti-abstinence argument. Women who live with their boyfriends are many times more likely to be physically abused than married women. The statistics on cohabitation are overwhelming and compelling—it actually increases the chances of divorce. A strong commitment to God and to one another is still the best hedge we know against divorce.
Find an individual or group who can encourage you and to whom you will be accountable. If you are struggling in this area, talk to a pastor or counselor. If you feel you have a sexual disorder contact a physician. If you struggle with sexuality issues due to past abuse, please contact a professional trained in abuse counseling.
Personal Sexuality Checklist
How comfortable am I with my sexuality?
Am I operating with faulty beliefs about sex from childhood?
Do I feel good about my body?
Do I struggle with self-acceptance?
Is sex without love okay for me?
What role do I want sex and relationships to play in my life at this time?
What are my values regarding sexual relationships and where do they come from (family, church, friends, media)?
How well do my values and behavior match up?
Will a decision to engage in a sexual relationship with my partner at this time enhance/detract from my positive feelings about me and my partner?
Can I talk about sex with my partner, my support group, and my friends?
Can I acknowledge my feelings and consider them an authentic part of me?
Can I recognize my vulnerabilities?
Am I open to learning about sexuality?
Can I be authentic in my relationships with other?
Can I articulate my sexual boundaries and expectations?
Do I understand the distinction between sex and love?
Do I fear that my partner might leave if I am not physical?
Are there unresolved issues from my past that I have not addressed?
Am I able to trust those close to me?
Am I taking great care of myself?
Do I feel vulnerable or defensive around members of the opposite gender?
Am I clear on God’s view of sexuality?
Can I view celibacy as a gift and an opportunity?
Do I sabotage relationships because of a fear of intimacy?
Talk about these questions with a friend, counselor, pastor, accountability partner, sponsor or your support group.
God made sex and He made us sexual beings. He made sex to be a source of pleasure and unity. God did not design sex such that by its avoidance we would grow closer to Him. Sex has meaning beyond itself—it is a gift that reflects the very essence of God. Sexual relationships between a man and a woman should be based on mutuality.
You can read more about relationships in InStep’s
Developing Healthy Relationships.
Questions? Contact us at 1-888-5INSTEP or
email us at InStepMin@aol.com
InStep’s Ministry Goals
Singles are looking for relevance, acceptance, real community, friendships, and opportunities to learn and serve. They want a faith that is practical—a community that meets them where they are. Therefore, our ministry goals are to:
1. Provide practical Biblical resources, support and counsel to single adults.
2. Facilitate the creation of safe, singles-responsive environments, for the purpose of developing spiritually, socially and emotionally healthy single adults who can effectively share their faith in Jesus Christ and use their gifts as significant and active members of the Body. Safe fellowship means a place to connect with others; a place to belong; a place to meet others with common issues and needs; a place to dispel loneliness; a place to grow and find acceptance, a place to discover authentic community; a place where no one stands alone. The ultimate goal is integration into a life-enhancing community of believers.
3. Provide leadership development—the goal is not just to be served, but learning to serve others. This occurs in a three-step developmental process: being fed, feeding ourselves, and feeding others.
Relationship Coaching
Relationship coaching is a partnership that enables you to:
• Develop a better vision of who you are in Christ
• Examine and upgrade your relationship patterns
• Clarify your passion and purpose
• Fine tune relationship skills
• Let go of the past
• Learn effective relationship skills
• Set SMART goals
• Enhance your communication and problem solving skills
Call 1-888-5INSTEP for more information or to schedule an appointment or phone consultation.
