Stepfamilies

Characteristics Of Stepfamilies

Stepfamilies have a complex structure.

There are many different combinations of roles and relationships, making stepfamilies quite different, not only from nuclear families but from each other. Stepfamilies are composed of two or more previously separate systems, and include children who belong to at least two households, multiple parental figures and a large extended family, with varying degrees of involvement.

Children are often members of two (or more) households.

After a divorce and remarriage children’s adjustment and future well being tend to be more positive if they have regular contact with both biological parents. This is often difficult to facilitate since many former-spouses remain adversarial. Regular contacts actually increase rather than decrease the likelihood that positive stepchild/stepparent relationships will occur. Stepfamilies must also adjust to porous boundaries, which means that people will be moving in and out of the family regularly. Some children will spend a great deal of time with each biological parent, which again stretches the understanding of “household.”

There is a minimal legal relationship between stepparents and stepchildren.

At present, the law affords stepparents only minimal rights. Ask a stepparent about the frustration of trying to get medical care or school records without written consent from a biological parent. Some families attempt to resolve this dilemma via adoption or name change. This seldom bypasses the real issues and has only limited success, typically with younger children. It is critical for the new stepparent to find a comfortable role with his/her new stepchildren. Part of the reality for a stepparent is realizing that while they may play a major role in caring for a child, they have few if any legal rights in regards to that child.

There are ambiguous boundaries.

There is often little agreement as to who is “in” the stepfamily and who is not. Because of this, and because of the constant changes that occur when children transition between households, boundaries are often unclear and permeable. This creates uncertainty around such issues as affiliation and togetherness and becomes a source of stress.

Role definitions are vague and ambiguous

Roles in stepfamilies have no clear names, definitions or expectations. In biological families, the role of Mom or Dad is fairly well understood. In stepfamilies, roles are not clear-cut. The terms stepparent or stepchild for example, have no well-defined, universally agreed upon job description or set of expectations. Role ambiguity produces stress, confusion, competition, communication problems and loyalty splits. Without clear role expectations, families are on their own to develop workable standards and guidelines. This requires stepfamilies to be involved in rather elaborate negotiations to determine roles in the new family. This process is difficult for virtual strangers, with little experience together and little trust of one another.

There is a disparity of individual, marital and family life cycles

In nuclear families, two adults become a couple at the same time and parents at the same time, but not in stepfamilies. There is no shared family history, and few similar traditions. Additionally, if children are of different ages, there are likely to be different developmental needs or interests. Since remarriages typically occur later in life, there may be differences in career aspirations, finances, retirement, child rearing practices and living styles. A consequence of “crossing” developmental phases is that the needs of individual family members may be out of sync with other family members.

Stepfamilies have more stress than nuclear families.

Stepfamily ambiguity, complexity and the lack of fit with societal norms for the “ideal” family cause much of the stress. The new stepfamily is in transition, and the adjustments necessary add to the stress. Most individuals are unsure of their roles and communication patterns have not been set. Problem solving is awkward and cumbersome. Virtual strangers are attempting to look, act and feel like a family. Few rules exist and those that do exist are continually up for debate.

Successful stepfamily integration generally takes years to achieve.

The minimum seems to be two-three years. This characteristic is important to point out to families who are still holding on to the “instant family” myth. Generally, the first few years are turbulent and stressful as the new family seeks to break down barriers between individuals and between biological groups. Total strangers do not become intimate family members overnight. For example, in our experience, a stepparent should not assume a strong parenting role for at least 1-2 years.

There is a biological parent in another household or in memory.

The influence of another parent outside the home often creates ambiguity and feelings of helplessness and lack of control seldom seen in first marriages. Children usually have strong emotional ties to each of their biological parents, even if one of them has died. Adults often have difficulty accepting more than two parenting figures in a child’s life, and often expect them to choose between three or four adults. This is unfortunate, since it represents a major adjustment difficulty for most children. If children are permitted the time to form good relationships with all the parenting adults in their lives, loyalty conflicts decrease and exposure to important adult relationships is ensured.

There are many loyalty conflicts

For most stepfamilies, biological loyalties never stop. These loyalties exist inside biological subgroups, for example a mom and her children, or toward a non-custodial biological parent. The most common loyalty conflict involves the stepparent. Children often feel the relationship with their custodial parent is threatened by the stepparent’s efforts to join the family. Children also experience loyalty conflicts between same-sexed step and biological parents. In fact, the nicer a stepparent is, the more conflict may arise. Loyalty conflicts also exist between siblings or biological subgroups. In many stepfamilies, individuals will always remain loyal to their biological subsystem. Another key task of blended families is integrating the various subgroups into one whole. This may include grandparents and other relatives as well as the step and biological parents and children. Blended family cohesion, however, is seldom at the same level as a nuclear family.

There is a widespread negative cultural connotation

Several cultural myths cast a negative shadow on stepfamilies. One such myth is that stepfamilies are inferior. Another is that stepparents are cruel or abusive, seldom providing adequate care or support for their stepchildren. These and other myths have been perpetuated over the years and have developed a strong stereotypic quality. We take pity, for example, on children raised in a stepfamily. We have almost archetypal images of cruel stepmothers or abusive, sadistic stepfathers. These negative images have strong implications for the stepfamily because they affect every aspect of stepfamily life.

The stepfamily is borne of loss

In fact the loss is plural; loss of family, friends, church, home, school, neighborhood, dreams. Grief is the heart of the stepfamily experience. Grief is the constant companion of both adults and children in stepfamilies. Memories of past hurts and disappointments do not fade quickly. I was still grieving years after we were married. Children are particularly impacted by loss. For them, remarriage is just another loss and another change over which they have no control.

We also know that grief is easily reactivated. Events such as holidays, birthdays or weddings can open up wounds only recently mended. Stepfamilies that survive and thrive are experts at coping with stress and grief. They have learned to write new stories out of the brokenness of the past. They share the Apostle Paul’s sentiments in Philippians 3 “Forgetting the past, and looking to what lies ahead.” Stepfamily hope is a story that begins in loss, lives in constant stress and chronic, recycled grief and rests in the comfort of God’s restoration.

Stepfamilies experience many changes.

Stepfamilies go through many transitions—from intact families to single-parent families to remarriage. The changes surrounding each transition create periods of uncertainty disorganization and disruption. Remarriage for example represents extremely rapid change, with many adjustments. Remarriage requires everyone to adjust quickly to a new situation in which some of the participants did not choose to be. Also in stepfamilies, spouses do not have the luxury of an adjustment period that allows for gradual change. Instead they are thrust immediately into multiple roles. This does not allow the couple time to gradually work through important issues such as power structure, decision-making, coping with extended family or making time for intimacy.

Parent-child relationships predate the new couple relationship.

Parents come into the stepfamily with pre-existing bonds, experiences and alliances with their children. This means there are insiders and outsiders. These prior relationships come with their own language, history, and preferred ways of dong things. Virtual strangers, with very different lifestyles and values may suddenly be living under the same roof. Typically these groups do not even know how to communicate with one another. The outsider feels disconnected, that he has no alone time with his spouse. The biological parent may feel guilty when her children are perceived to be neglected. Changing these relationship patterns in the household is important and often takes thought, effort and patience to accomplish.

There is a complex past and no shared family history.

Intimacy is somewhat dependent on time shared together. In stepfamilies, total strangers are living under the same roof. There are no common memories or traditions to draw people together. All families have a past. However, in blended families the past is much more complex. This is due to the fact that a stepfamily’s past includes baggage from the family of origin of each spouse, and “ghosts” from previous marriages. There are parent-child relationships that predate the couple relationship. This deprives the couple of the opportunity to develop an intimate relationship without children around. Developing a shared history is a major task. This task is often made difficult by the fact that many children, typically teenagers, are not interested in developing a shared history. For some children, making new memories in the stepfamily is a form of disloyalty to their former family. It is often helpful to begin a few new traditions that supplement rather than replace old ones.

For a complete look at stepfamilies, see our book
The Journey: A Traveling Guide to Christian Stepfamilies