Stepfamilies

Successful stepfamilies maintain a strong commitment to God and to one another. This commitment is critical to weather the storms of the first few years when strangers work hard to become a family. InStep wants to partner with your family. We have experience, resources and practical, Biblical information to assist you. The following is some basic information about stepfamilies, to find out more, purchase a copy of one of our workbooks and/or attend one of our seminars.

What is a Stepfamily?

The Stepfamily Association of America defines a stepfamily, as “a household with an adult couple, at least one of whom has a child from a previous relationship." This definition is based on recent census information suggesting that a growing number of couples are living together but not marrying; many of these families are stepfamilies. Stepfamilies come in all shapes and sizes, but they share some common characteristics. Stepfamilies are born of loss. Parent-child relationships predate the couple relationship. The first two years of stepfamily life are particularly turbulent. Stepparent-stepchild relationships develop slowly and often create conflict in the family. Relationships outside the family (former spouses, former in-laws, etc.) can have an impact on relationships inside the family. Family identity can be confusing as children often move from one household to another. It is estimated that in the next few years stepfamilies will outnumber all other forms of family.

What’s in a Name?

Stepfamilies have been given many names, by the public, by governmental and by family professionals. Some of these include: stepfamily, binuclear, integrated, complicated, merged, reconstituted or combined family. The Stepfamily Association of America suggests that the word stepfamily is the most appropriate name. Many struggle with the term stepfamily because it has such a negative connotation in our society. Indeed, in society, the media and even the church, stepfamilies have often been seen as "second-class" citizens. How refreshing to know that to God, we are all "first-class." InStep will primarily use the term "stepfamily," but will also use the term blending, as many pastors and churches are familiar with this term. The difficulty with the word "blending" is that in reality families do not blend; they really combine. Blending is seen as putting undue pressure on a stepfamily too look like a nuclear family-too soon. Stepfamily members maintain their individual identities for several years. In fact, stepfamilies do not start looking like nuclear families for at least 3-5 years. Our recommendation, as with the Stepfamily Association of America is to use the term stepfamily.

Why is Remarriage and Stepfamily Life So Challenging?

We live in an era of broken world relationships. Drugs, alcohol, abuse, family violence, lack of consistent love or guidelines etc. take a toll on individuals as they grow up in non-nurturing and unhealthy families. Marriages made up of individuals from unhealthy families generally repeat the patterns they have learned. At least half of marriages and over half of remarriages fail in the first seven years. Over 80% of divorced or widowed individuals remarry. Others, and the number is growing, choose to "live together," thinking that if they are not married, they won't repeat the same mistakes they or their parents made.

Below are some specific reasons that remarriage and stepfamily life present such a challenge.

Divorced individuals are extremely wounded, both emotionally and spiritually. This woundedness has many consequences: guilt, shame, fear, distrust, self-protection, lack of empathy and an inability to communicate or solve problems effectively. Many divorced individuals feel like a failure. Wounded individuals have difficulty discerning the essential qualities of a potential partner. Fear and loneliness often guide partner choices. Wounded individuals are self-absorbed and therefore unable to effectively meet the needs of a partner.
Remarrying adults bring a host of unresolved issues, inaccurate beliefs and unrealistic expectations to a new stepfamily. The mental picture they have of remarriage and stepfamily life does not reflect reality.
Loyalty binds are common in stepfamilies. The bonding between individuals seen in nuclear families does not generally exist in stepfamilies. Children and stepparents do not understand each other and parents often feel pulled between children and a new spouse. Most children do not want their parent to remarry; in fact, many children never give up hope that their divorced parents will re-unite.
First-time marriages, in general, receive far more emotional and physical support from church, family and friends than remarriages.
Most individuals remarry too soon, often less than two years after a death or divorce. Many individuals remarry before they or their children have completed the grieving process. Further, the time between meeting someone and remarrying is less than half that of first-time marriages. The average remarrying adult has known their partner less than nine months.
Remarriage is not about "picking" the right person but about finding the right relationship, being the right person and picking the right "people."
Stepfamilies live in a constant state of "relational overload." Step-relationships are far more numerous and complex than first-time families.
Children of divorce experience a great many changes and losses. They do not adjust to these changes or grieve these losses quickly. Many children are still emotionally wounded when their parents remarry. Consequently, they often have difficulty adjusting to a new family structure.
First time marriages involve the church far more frequently than remarriages. Most individuals do not seek spiritual guidance prior to remarriage. Few remarriages occur in a church setting. The church does a great job of preparing couples for marriage, but it is almost silent in its preparation of couples for remarriage.
Accountability is often absent in the life of remarrying individuals. Spiritual maturity is a great hedge against divorce. Accountability with other believers in the context of Christian community is a wonderful way to grow and heal. Unfortunately, many divorced individuals have difficulty working though their guilt and shame and therefore stay isolated. Many remarrying individuals are looking for affirmation from a new partner. However, a wounded partner is looking for much the same and both are unable to give what the other needs.
New relationships create very different power distributions in families. Children, for example, who perhaps had some role in the single-parent family, now find themselves on the periphery of the new family. Power struggles are common in stepfamilies, making new relationships even more difficult to develop.
Remarrying couples have a much wider disparity in age than first-time couples-often ten years of more. This means that their children may have different needs and be at very different places socially, educationally and developmentally. Age disparity can also impact such issues as discipline, lifestyle, vocation or retirement.
Sexual boundaries are far more ambiguous in remarriages. Due to emotional wounds, pain and loneliness, premarital sex is far more prevalent among remarrying couples. Unfortunately, sexual relationships often give the illusion of closeness, prompting couples to remarry too soon.