Stepfamilies
Successful stepfamilies maintain a strong commitment to God and to one another. This commitment is critical to weather the storms of the first few years when strangers work hard to become a family. InStep wants to partner with your family. We have experience, resources and practical, Biblical information to assist you. The following is some basic information about stepfamilies, to find out more, purchase a copy of one of our workbooks and/or attend one of our seminars.
What is a Stepfamily?
The
Stepfamily Association of America defines a stepfamily, as “a
household with an adult couple, at least one of whom has a child from
a previous relationship." This definition is based on recent census
information suggesting that a growing number of couples are living together
but not marrying; many of these families are stepfamilies. Stepfamilies
come in all shapes and sizes, but they share some common characteristics.
Stepfamilies are born of loss. Parent-child relationships predate the
couple relationship. The first two years of stepfamily life are particularly
turbulent. Stepparent-stepchild relationships develop slowly and often
create conflict in the family. Relationships outside the family (former
spouses, former in-laws, etc.) can have an impact on relationships inside
the family. Family identity can be confusing as children often move
from one household to another. It is estimated that in the next few
years stepfamilies will outnumber all other forms of family.
What's in a Name?
Stepfamilies have been given many names, by the public, by governmental and by family professionals. Some of these include: stepfamily, binuclear, integrated, complicated, merged, reconstituted or combined family. The Stepfamily Association of America suggests that the word stepfamily is the most appropriate name. Many struggle with the term stepfamily because it has such a negative connotation in our society. Indeed, in society, the media and even the church, stepfamilies have often been seen as "second-class" citizens. How refreshing to know that to God, we are all "first-class." InStep will primarily use the term "stepfamily," but will also use the term blending, as many pastors and churches are familiar with this term. The difficulty with the word "blending" is that in reality families do not blend; they really combine. Blending is seen as putting undue pressure on a stepfamily too look like a nuclear family-too soon. Stepfamily members maintain their individual identities for several years. In fact, stepfamilies do not start looking like nuclear families for at least 3-5 years. Our recommendation, as with the Stepfamily Association of America is to use the term stepfamily.
Why is Remarriage and Stepfamily Life So Challenging?
We live in an era of broken world relationships. Drugs, alcohol, abuse, family violence, lack of consistent love or guidelines etc. take a toll on individuals as they grow up in non-nurturing and unhealthy families. Marriages made up of individuals from unhealthy families generally repeat the patterns they have learned. At least half of marriages and over half of remarriages fail in the first seven years. Over 80% of divorced or widowed individuals remarry. Others, and the number is growing, choose to "live together," thinking that if they are not married, they won't repeat the same mistakes they or their parents made.
Below are some specific reasons that remarriage and stepfamily life present such a challenge.
- Divorced individuals can be extremely wounded, both emotionally and spiritually. This woundedness has many consequences: guilt, shame, fear, distrust, self-protection, difficulty bonding, communicating or resolving conflicts. Wounded individuals have difficulty discerning the essential qualities of a potential partner. Fear and loneliness often guide partner choices.
- Remarrying adults bring a host of unresolved issues, inaccurate beliefs and unrealistic expectations to a new stepfamily. The mental picture they have of remarriage and stepfamily life does not reflect reality.
- Most individuals remarry too soon, often less than two years after a death or divorce. Many individuals remarry before they or their children have completed the grieving process. Further, the time between meeting someone and remarrying is less than half that of first-time marriages. The average remarrying adult has known their partner less than nine months.
- Stepfamilies live in a constant state of "relational overload." Step-relationships are far more numerous and complex than first-time families.
- Children of divorce experience a great many changes and losses. They do not adjust to these changes or grieve these losses quickly. Many children are still emotionally wounded when their parents remarry. Consequently, they often have difficulty adjusting to a new family structure.
For more information: see InStep’s The Journey or Looking Before You Leap…Again.
