Thirsty People Sitting at Wells

I. Introduction to Stepfamily Ministry

There are powerful forces in our society producing family dislocation. Divorce, out-of-wedlock births, single mothers, single fathers, stepfamilies, poor families, marginalized families, and other family experiments will not evaporate even if current trends begin to moderate. Both church and society have before them the huge challenge of supporting these families and helping them flourish—especially in their task of raising children.
Don Browning et al, From Culture Wars to Common Ground

A paradigm shift has occurred. The face of family life has changed dramatically in the last 30 years. According to the 2000 United States census, less than 25% of our current population lives in traditional nuclear families. The family of today exists in all shapes, colors and sizes—forging a new normal. These family groups include single adults, stepfamilies, single-parent families, multi-generational families, unmarried families, same-sex marriage families, grandparents raising their grandchildren, and the list goes on.

This incredible statistic has huge implications for the church, and represents a tremendous challenge and opportunity, as we attempt to minister to the people in these families. What challenges does this bring to your church? Perhaps, at the very least, you will have to re-think ministry to include the needs of these various, and varied, non-traditional family groups. Family ministry that uses the traditional nuclear family as a norm may not be as effective in speaking to the needs of the adults and children in these families.

While the complexion of family in America may be changing, the goals of family ministry have not: we must still strengthen marriages and families, help people heal, and find fellowship and their place in the Body. New models, however, must be developed. Ministry to today’s non-traditional families is incarnational at its core—meeting people where they are—at the point of their need. We must learn how to meet the needs of today’s single parents and stepfamilies. These families are unique; they are almost totally unlike nuclear families in structure and challenges. Yet they are the fastest growing family forms in the U.S. Due to the complexity of non-traditional families, like step or single-parent families, it is not surprising that many churches sidestep dealing with them altogether. Consequently, many of these families feel subtly ignored or even marginalized. Few churches have programs, groups or classes for single parents or remarried couples. Family ministries often overlook these groups. In fact, the terms “family ministry” or “family church” can be discouraging sounds to stepfamilies and single parents, because they know this does not (and never will) describe them.

To effectively minister to these new families, their needs, circumstances, and unique challenges and perspectives must be understood. Personal and theological barriers and biases must be identified and confronted, and new ministry paradigms must be developed. If you will lead a ministry to these families, you must have passion and vision. They will need mentoring, healing, guidance, accountability and equipping. They will want to be involved.

Among the church’s chief goals are to strengthen families and assist them in the faith formation of their children and to assist couples in lifelong marriage. It is also in the ministry of forgiving those who sin, promoting wholeness and healing the brokenness of life. The church in today’s culture must help couples and families find wholeness through forgiveness and restoration, as it assists people who have experienced divorce and wish to remarry. The church can and must, deliberately and intentionally, help people journey through the process of remarriage and stepfamily formation. These individuals will seek assistance elsewhere, if help does not come from within their faith communities. The church needs to be in remarriage and stepfamily ministry.

The difficulty in starting a ministry to single parents or stepfamilies is the reality of church priorities and change resistance. Many pastors simply do not consider such a ministry as a key component of their church’s overall thrust. Indeed, for most pastors, knowledge of the statistics and unique challenges of these families is unknown. For many pastors, this idea is way outside their comfort zone. There are certain emotional and even theological barriers that make embracing this ministry difficult. (For a look at some of these barriers, see Ron Deal’s book, The Smart Stepfamily or Instep’s Ministering to Today’s Stepfamilies).

What causes a new idea to take hold? In Diffusion of Innovations, Everett Rogers suggests five basic elements needed for a new idea to be accepted. These elements have utility for our discussion. Rogers’s first element is to communicate truth (for us this would be Biblical truth) in a simple, clear format. Before people can subscribe to a new idea, they must understand it. Next, demonstrate the value of the change. In this case, emphasize the large, unchurched population of single parents and stepfamilies. Third, connect your message to the needs, core values and past experiences of the group you are intending to influence—your pastor, board or congregation. Fourth, model the message, that is, become a passionate spokesperson. Finally, provide small, safe environments that allow individuals or families opportunities to be exposed to the idea. We suggest you begin with a stepfamily life group or class. To this we would add a sixth element, creating an “environment of openness” in your church that invites and allows congregants to actively dialogue about subjects such as divorce and remarriage and encourages the development of support networks. Change does not happen quickly; but when people get a vision for reaching out to others, they become open to God’s leading.

We entitled this workbook, Thirsty People Sitting at Wells, to underscore the implications of an important New Testament encounter, involving perhaps the most famous non-traditional family member in the Bible—a little-known Samaritan woman—we know her as “the woman at the well.” By all accounts, she may have been a single mom, previously married five times and now cohabitating with a man. She came to the well at off hours because she was an outcast in her village.

John 4 tells this story of Jesus, who, on His way to Galilee, broke tradition, stopped and affirmed this woman the day he encountered her at the well. He did not debate philosophy or theology, although she wanted to. He did not lecture her on her relational shortcomings, although He could have. Instead, He did a needs assessment and then He spoke to her need.

An interesting (and important) side note to this story is that of the disciples. Why did Jesus send all twelve into town to buy food? Perhaps because they were not ready for the Samaritan woman; perhaps they were still stuck in old traditions that blinded them to this kind of person’s needs. It is likely that they passed her on the road that day; it is unlikely that they interacted with her. The record says that they were shocked when they returned from the city and saw that Jesus was actually talking to a Samaritan woman, an outcast. How would you have reacted to her? Incidentally, who might that be for you or for your church?
Jesus saw her, spoke to her, and met her at the point of her need; she received affirmation and redemption. Jesus was remarkable for “seeing” people that were “invisible” to others.

This passage is important for your ministry for several reasons. First, if the family is truly the crucible of faith, we must equip and nurture the family in whatever form it takes. People in non-traditional families have tangible and spiritual needs. Jesus has a “tailor-made” answer for each need. Second, we must find ways to make non-traditional families more visible. Finally, if you are going to do stepfamily ministry well, you must surround yourself with people without “blinders,” those who are willing to “see” and who are passionate about serving and equipping these families. For this reason, this manual is far more about preparing yourself and your team for ministry than about selecting the “right” programs.

It is time to adopt an approach to non–traditional families that holds high God’s standard for marriage and family, and serves as a loving spiritual “hospital” for those who do not meet that standard. It is time to see people from God’s perspective—who they are, and more importantly, who they are becoming, rather than where they have been or who we think they should be. There are many thirsty people, sitting at wells, waiting to be invited to come and drink. God bless you as you define your ministry and train your team and as you affirm and equip these families by meeting them at the point of their need and pointing them to Jesus. Our prayer is that this workbook will help you on your journey.

Jeff and Judi Parziale
Tucson, Arizona
II Corinthians 1:3-4